[ What happened isn't something Kakashi knows how to put into words.
What happened was that for a moment, he didn't know what was a dream and what was real, even with his hand wrapped around his lover's throat. When all he could see was a pair of mismatched eyes belonging to the face of a man who he thinks he should know, even though his mind tells him he's never seen him before. And all he could hear was do you feel guilty, do you feel guilty, do you feel guilty (and for a moment that dragged on for what felt like a lifetime, it was all he could feel -- a guilt so large it was enough to split him in two, rend him to pieces). Nothing else mattered in that moment but those eyes and a feeling so large, Kakashi doesn't know how it didn't somehow destroy him. How he could have managed to resist it at all.
And when those eyes were all he could see and those words all he could hear, when that feeling that wanted to empty him out, reduce him down to nothing but a shell of a man that couldn't really be called a man because he wasn't even really living, Kakashi couldn't even see what was right before him at all. Even when it was Barnaby, fighting for his life.
How do you put that into words? Look your lover in the eye and tell him that you're finally broken (and maybe you always were). That you can't tell anymore what's real and what isn't, can't even rely on your eyes to tell you the truth because when you open them what you see isn't what's right in front of you. What you see is a nightmare yawning its mouth so wide inside your head you think it's enough to swallow you whole. Chew you up and spit you out into something that looks like you but isn't because you're losing your fucking mind and every moment that you spend trying to think of whether or not there's still some part of you that's not going crazy, that isn't, in fact, losing your shit, might be a moment that you're imagining. A moment that's not even happening at all.
(Maybe you're still pinning him down with your hands around his throat.)
Kakashi flinches visibly when Barnaby reaches out, jerking back away from him, almost terrified that the contact might somehow trigger another episode, something raw and violent in his own mismatched eyes as he meets Barnaby's. ]
Don't.
[ The word is grated out between his teeth in a ragged breath. ]
I don't want to hurt you again.
[ Barnaby touching him, waking him from what was a bad dream (but if it's a bad dream why is it still playing on in his head?) was enough to send him into some sort of temporary madness. (Or maybe it's not temporary at all. Maybe it's high time Kakashi gets himself off his ass and commits himself to the insane asylum.) ]
no subject
What happened was that for a moment, he didn't know what was a dream and what was real, even with his hand wrapped around his lover's throat. When all he could see was a pair of mismatched eyes belonging to the face of a man who he thinks he should know, even though his mind tells him he's never seen him before. And all he could hear was do you feel guilty, do you feel guilty, do you feel guilty (and for a moment that dragged on for what felt like a lifetime, it was all he could feel -- a guilt so large it was enough to split him in two, rend him to pieces). Nothing else mattered in that moment but those eyes and a feeling so large, Kakashi doesn't know how it didn't somehow destroy him. How he could have managed to resist it at all.
And when those eyes were all he could see and those words all he could hear, when that feeling that wanted to empty him out, reduce him down to nothing but a shell of a man that couldn't really be called a man because he wasn't even really living, Kakashi couldn't even see what was right before him at all. Even when it was Barnaby, fighting for his life.
How do you put that into words? Look your lover in the eye and tell him that you're finally broken (and maybe you always were). That you can't tell anymore what's real and what isn't, can't even rely on your eyes to tell you the truth because when you open them what you see isn't what's right in front of you. What you see is a nightmare yawning its mouth so wide inside your head you think it's enough to swallow you whole. Chew you up and spit you out into something that looks like you but isn't because you're losing your fucking mind and every moment that you spend trying to think of whether or not there's still some part of you that's not going crazy, that isn't, in fact, losing your shit, might be a moment that you're imagining. A moment that's not even happening at all.
(Maybe you're still pinning him down with your hands around his throat.)
Kakashi flinches visibly when Barnaby reaches out, jerking back away from him, almost terrified that the contact might somehow trigger another episode, something raw and violent in his own mismatched eyes as he meets Barnaby's. ]
Don't.
[ The word is grated out between his teeth in a ragged breath. ]
I don't want to hurt you again.
[ Barnaby touching him, waking him from what was a bad dream (but if it's a bad dream why is it still playing on in his head?) was enough to send him into some sort of temporary madness. (Or maybe it's not temporary at all. Maybe it's high time Kakashi gets himself off his ass and commits himself to the insane asylum.) ]