[While Teddy's out, the overwhelming itch all over his body is back, and he can't help scratching at whatever feels the most uncomfortable as he walks and tries to figure out where everything is. He does his best to keep his head down, not willing to see or talk to anyone, lest he realizes that they're looking at him. Him and his dumb, ugly self. Who would want him, anyway? He's the quiet one, not nearly the attention-getter that Billy is. It makes sense, really... ha...
At one point as he looks through the clothes offered at the giftshop, he pushes his hand against the table too hard, and his nail bends back enough to bleed. He cringes, but expected it to heal in seconds... and it doesn't. Right... Instead, he grabs a box of band-aids and already takes one out to wrap around his thumb. First time he actually had a use for these things...
While he's there, he takes a forest green hoodie. It's easier, having the hood up and seeing the edge of the fabric above his vision, knowing that he'll be less recognizable like this. At least now he feels like he isn't on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Finally, he does grab some food, enough to last them for a couple of days, ranging from ingredients for an actual meal when they're feeling like responsible and healthy adults to ramen when they're feeling like lazy and unhealthy teenage boys. That's about all he needs, so he heads back, his steps gaining in speed the closer he gets.
But when he's there, he stops, hand in his pocket and feeling the keys as he stares at the door. Billy had told him that he'd be here, and Teddy knew what he meant by it, but what if... what if Billy has no control over it? What if it comes back even with him resisting it? What if he walks in and finds the love of his life at the window again, blue in his eyes and watching the world go by?
What if he isn't? Are you going to keep running from this?
...
With a deep breath, Teddy unlocks the door and heads inside. The shower is going... so Billy actually is taking a shower. That's a good sign... Really good, actually. Before this, Teddy'd have to poke and bully at Billy to take care of himself like this. Now, he did it all on his own... That's so good to hear.
He puts the food away, then goes to the bedroom to pull his hoodie off, and he's got his hands at the edges of it when he sees the paper on his bed. Crumpled, stained, and with writing so fami -
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no no, did Billy see it? Teddy had forgotten - That list he made, the one that listed every single flaw that Teddy saw, everything that made him cringe every time he looked in the mirror. This was the last thing he wanted Billy to see, knowing that Billy had tried so hard to fix his view of himself. And he did, he did, but so many days of doubting himself and his looks and his personality, and he'd just... fallen back into his old ways. And Teddy knows just as well that he isn't out of those woods yet, not by a long shot.
He's tempted to leave. Billy doesn't know he's here, so he could just - get out, not come back for a while, not see the look on Billy's face. But... there's more writing on there. Writing Teddy didn't leave when he was writing everything down, when he angrily scribbled out the rest. Part of him doesn't want to see it, afraid of what he'll find. But curiosity is getting the better of him. So he walks further in, leaving his hoodie alone, and sinks down in the mattress, then slowly reaches out to take the paper and read it for himself.
...
He doesn't even get to the second line when his own vision blurs, for so many reasons. This list is... Billy'd actually gone through and wrote on every single one, writing everything he loved about Teddy. Never once calling him out on it, showing disappointment for forgetting everything he told Teddy, or calling him an idiot like Teddy is doing to himself. They're all compliments, sincere and genuine, and he can just hear Billy's voice in his words. And the tears on the paper... God, he did that. He and his stupid list made Billy cry again, and hard, even the number of drops on the paper have anything to say about it.
Teddy wants to stop. But no, he... he needs to keep reading. This is important, probably one of the most important things he'll ever read.
And when he's done, he bends over to rest his forehead against his knee, one hand on the back of his head, the other on his neck, while he lets the tears fall. New from the thoughts and worries he had over the past month, and old from his past self, the one who shifted and changed every day to meet what everyone else liked and wanted. It's so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely breathe, only taking in shuddering breaths and letting them out in quiet sobs. This is the one thing that will always haunt him, the fact that his own body could be so much better than it is, and that so many people know it. It's not just other people can pick out his flaws - No, it's he himself who's his own worst enemy. And just when he was feeling comfortable and proud in his own skin, the one who made him feel that way showed him a replacement whom he seemed to prefer, and Teddy's confidence had shattered.
It feels like he's slowly picking up the pieces between his sobs. Not putting them together, but just holding them in his arms, unsure where to start, but wanting to. He just... needs to figure out how. And when he does, he - maybe he'll -
Maybe he'll look at himself the way the list - the revamped list describes him. But right now? He just holds the pieces of himself and cries, for his past and his present.]
28th~ holy tl;dr batman
At one point as he looks through the clothes offered at the giftshop, he pushes his hand against the table too hard, and his nail bends back enough to bleed. He cringes, but expected it to heal in seconds... and it doesn't. Right... Instead, he grabs a box of band-aids and already takes one out to wrap around his thumb. First time he actually had a use for these things...
While he's there, he takes a forest green hoodie. It's easier, having the hood up and seeing the edge of the fabric above his vision, knowing that he'll be less recognizable like this. At least now he feels like he isn't on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Finally, he does grab some food, enough to last them for a couple of days, ranging from ingredients for an actual meal when they're feeling like responsible and healthy adults to ramen when they're feeling like lazy and unhealthy teenage boys. That's about all he needs, so he heads back, his steps gaining in speed the closer he gets.
But when he's there, he stops, hand in his pocket and feeling the keys as he stares at the door. Billy had told him that he'd be here, and Teddy knew what he meant by it, but what if... what if Billy has no control over it? What if it comes back even with him resisting it? What if he walks in and finds the love of his life at the window again, blue in his eyes and watching the world go by?
What if he isn't? Are you going to keep running from this?
...
With a deep breath, Teddy unlocks the door and heads inside. The shower is going... so Billy actually is taking a shower. That's a good sign... Really good, actually. Before this, Teddy'd have to poke and bully at Billy to take care of himself like this. Now, he did it all on his own... That's so good to hear.
He puts the food away, then goes to the bedroom to pull his hoodie off, and he's got his hands at the edges of it when he sees the paper on his bed. Crumpled, stained, and with writing so fami -
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no no, did Billy see it? Teddy had forgotten - That list he made, the one that listed every single flaw that Teddy saw, everything that made him cringe every time he looked in the mirror. This was the last thing he wanted Billy to see, knowing that Billy had tried so hard to fix his view of himself. And he did, he did, but so many days of doubting himself and his looks and his personality, and he'd just... fallen back into his old ways. And Teddy knows just as well that he isn't out of those woods yet, not by a long shot.
He's tempted to leave. Billy doesn't know he's here, so he could just - get out, not come back for a while, not see the look on Billy's face. But... there's more writing on there. Writing Teddy didn't leave when he was writing everything down, when he angrily scribbled out the rest. Part of him doesn't want to see it, afraid of what he'll find. But curiosity is getting the better of him. So he walks further in, leaving his hoodie alone, and sinks down in the mattress, then slowly reaches out to take the paper and read it for himself.
...
He doesn't even get to the second line when his own vision blurs, for so many reasons. This list is... Billy'd actually gone through and wrote on every single one, writing everything he loved about Teddy. Never once calling him out on it, showing disappointment for forgetting everything he told Teddy, or calling him an idiot like Teddy is doing to himself. They're all compliments, sincere and genuine, and he can just hear Billy's voice in his words. And the tears on the paper... God, he did that. He and his stupid list made Billy cry again, and hard, even the number of drops on the paper have anything to say about it.
Teddy wants to stop. But no, he... he needs to keep reading. This is important, probably one of the most important things he'll ever read.
And when he's done, he bends over to rest his forehead against his knee, one hand on the back of his head, the other on his neck, while he lets the tears fall. New from the thoughts and worries he had over the past month, and old from his past self, the one who shifted and changed every day to meet what everyone else liked and wanted. It's so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely breathe, only taking in shuddering breaths and letting them out in quiet sobs. This is the one thing that will always haunt him, the fact that his own body could be so much better than it is, and that so many people know it. It's not just other people can pick out his flaws - No, it's he himself who's his own worst enemy. And just when he was feeling comfortable and proud in his own skin, the one who made him feel that way showed him a replacement whom he seemed to prefer, and Teddy's confidence had shattered.
It feels like he's slowly picking up the pieces between his sobs. Not putting them together, but just holding them in his arms, unsure where to start, but wanting to. He just... needs to figure out how. And when he does, he - maybe he'll -
Maybe he'll look at himself the way the list - the revamped list describes him. But right now? He just holds the pieces of himself and cries, for his past and his present.]