lucetilogs | [LOG] Lavi and Allen: In the House of Personas

It had been a long time since Allen had enjoyed himself this much. He hadn't even been to a carnival such as this since he was a child and travelling with Mana. Though he tried not to think on that too much, it was difficult to remember such happy memories that were tarnished by all that had happened before.

The squeeze knocked him out of his thoughts, looking curiously at the House. "Are you sure you want to go in there? It sounds like a horror ride," he muttered, frowning slightly. Just looking at the place gave him the creeps.

"Lavi, are you sure?" he asked again, getting a bad feeling from this little adventure. "We don't have to do everything in the park."

Lavi nodded absently at Allen's caution, still inexplicably drawn toward the House. "M'sure," he said, his eye fixed on the sign. "You don't gotta come if you don't want. But... I feel like I gotta at least see it." Wrenching his gaze away, he tried to laugh, pulling on his carefree exterior. "Guess you can just call it Bookman's curiosity, yeah?"

"Curiosity killed the cat," Allen murmured, still looking dubiously at the attraction. Like everything else, there had to be at least one dark side to the good that showed up in Luceti. Even the name made Allen feel uncharacteristically wary. He was hardly a coward by any means but he didn't want to come into contact with something that would ruin the fun they'd been having.

"You can't go in there alone. Knowing you, you'll get in over your head and end up passed out," he relented with a heavy sigh. "Are you sure you don't want to go to one of the more interesting rides?"

"This is one of the more interestin' rides, yeah?" Lavi said with a laugh. He hit Allen lightly on the shoulder. "And hey, who d'ya think you're talkin' to, huh? I'd be fine." Reaching down, he squeezed Allen's hand again. "We won't stay long, okay?"

Lavi always knew how to get his own way and sometimes it was irritating. Though Allen told himself he had nothing to fear, he didn't believe it was really fear that was driving him to not want to go in. It was some sense of unease, feeling like, if they went in, it would only make everything difficult.

Ignoring much of what Lavi said, Allen merely nodded. "Not too long. There's a lot of other places we could go and I don't want to miss it." He hoped that he wouldn't now that he'd voiced it but that was a stupid superstition.

Sighing, he started heading in the direction of the strange place. "Let's get this over with."

Smiling, Lavi held Allen's hand as they entered the House. "Hey, let's try to have a little fun with it, yeah?" He felt slightly guilty about dragging Allen into the place with him when he obviously didn't want to go, but... he couldn't just walk away from it. I'd always wonder what was in here...

Just inside the attraction, dim lights, smoke and mirrors set the scene. Lavi was slightly disappointed, but wasn't sure why. It's just a carnival ride, right? Still holding Allen's hand, he stepped forward, hoping to find... he wasn't sure what.

Allen couldn't muster a smile as they approached the building. It was just an amusement park attraction, he knew that. The feeling that this was something that wasn't actually fun wouldn't leave him. Lavi had been here longer than he had so shouldn't he know that there were always downsides to these things?

He said nothing as they entered, the smoke sending a chill up his spine. This isn't a ride at all. It's a funhouse. That thought didn't placate him as he looked around, not really wanting to look into the mirrors. Mutely he followed his lover as they went deeper in, peering over at the redhead.

"Had enough yet? It's just a funhouse," he muttered, idly wishing he had his Innocence. "I feel like there's going to be Akuma around each of these mirrors."

"Doesn't look like there's much here, yeah?" Lavi said with a chuckle, still peering deeper into the hall of mirrors. "Does your eye see anythin' weird? We'll get through it quick... oh..." He trailed off as they rounded a corner and came upon another reflection. Only... this one wasn't a reflection of the two of them, this mirror only showed Lavi...

But I wasn't "Lavi" back then, was I?

Stepping forward, Lavi reached out to touch the mirror, gazing down at the reflection of his 8-year-old self. "Hey there, little guy. Been a long time since I was you." Looking over his shoulder at Allen, he smiled hesitantly. "Can you see him?"

Allen couldn't respond as he peered into the mirror. His throat had seized, as if he were looking at a ghost. In a way, he was. He didn't care if he trembled, looking at the gold eyes that stared back at him with both horror and disgust.

"I see him," he said, his voice almost inaudible even to his own ears. The one he was looking at merely smiled at him, a smile that seemed to be filled with barely contained amusement. It seemed almost impossible yet the proof was in front of him.

The Fourteenth.

"Allen...?" Lavi tore his eyes away from the vision of his past self in the mirror, hearing the broken tone to his lover's voice. Turning, he saw Allen looking into another mirror, an expression of shock and horror on his face. "Allen, what is it...?"

Moving closer, Lavi didn't see anything in the mirror at first, but then a shape slowly took form out of the mist. It looked like Allen at first, but there was something inherently wrong about this one. His eyes... his skin...

This is...

Drawing in a sharp breath, Lavi pulled Allen back from the mirror, instinctively pulling out his hammer and holding it protectively in front of them both. "It's only an illusion, it can't hurt us," he said firmly, holding Allen close. Yeah, just like Road's illusions couldn't hurt you, right...? "C'mon, let's get away from that one, yeah?"

At first, it didn't seem that Allen could hear what Lavi said. He stayed rooted on the spot, not even turning his head as he stared into the mirror. Illusion or not, Allen could only think of what he was looking at, what possibly awaited him in the future.

Someone who would take his appearance and possibly wreak havoc on the land, demolish all he knew and those he loved. Lavi's embrace made him hang on as tightly as he could without his other arm. He couldn't let this happen, the Fourteenth couldn't awaken and destroy all he knew and cared for. I won't let you win. I'm not you and I will never let you take over.

"An illusion," he muttered darkly before realising what Lavi had said. He looked over for a brief second before his eyes returned to the mirror. "You can see him?"

Lavi nodded tersely. "Yeah, I can see 'im." He tugged on Allen again, trying to pull him away from the mirror. "He ain't real, okay?" Remembering what Allen had told him about the 14th Noah, he drew in a deep breath. "And he certainly ain't you, yeah? Not now, not ever. He can't hurt us."

Allen reluctantly let himself get dragged away from the mirror. Though his heart was racing and his body was trembling, he was filled with the resolve to destroy the Fourteenth once and for all. Yet, looking back at the mirror, the reflection didn't seem to be malicious. Losing myself is the worst part. I can't let him win.

Tearing his eyes away from the reflection, he sighed, closing them and nodding. "We should go, Lavi." It was all he could say without feeling like a coward. How could he say more than that without looking like he was running away from a future that he feared more than anything?

"What did you see? You didn't seem bothered by it..."

Lavi kept his arm around Allen's shoulders, guiding him away from the mirror. He had the thought to go back to the entrance, but that would require going past that reflection again, and... he didn't want to subject Allen to it. There was no choice but to press on. "Yeah. We'll get outta here." He swallowed, looking down. "M'sorry I brought ya in," he said quietly.

Trying not to look at any of the other mirrors, he squeezed Allen's shoulder lightly. "I saw myself, as a little kid. Right when I was first becomin' an apprentice, yeah? I was... oh..." He trailed off as he rounded a corner, coming face to face with another mirror. Another version of himself stood there, this one still wrapped in the cloak of Bookman. His eyes were hard, cold... heartless: eyes that had seen far too much war. "A-another one, huh?"

This time, Allen kept his eyes away from the mirrors. He was no coward but this was something he wasn't willing to deal with at the moment. The Fourteenth had seemed so far away these past few months since he'd been in Luceti but now he was closer than ever. The reality was there, staring him in the face.

"A little kid...? I'm sorry, I wish I could have seen that. I bet you were cute as a - Lavi?" Another mirror was in front of them and Allen nearly got himself trapped into this one. Yet there was something there that stopped him, his eyes fixed on the vision that Lavi clearly saw. It was Lavi but something was different.

"That's you, isn't it?" he murmured, furrowing his brow. "Lavi?" Putting his hand on his lover's shoulder, he searched his face for answers.

Lavi nodded, swallowing hard. "Yeah. It's me... right before I joined the Order. I was 'Deak' back then, not 'Lavi.' He was... different." He clutched Allen's hand tightly.

The illusion spoke then, addressing Allen. "You never met 'me.' He's always been 'Lavi' to you. But who is 'Lavi'? Do you even know?"

"Shut up!" Lavi hissed, facing his reflection. "Don't talk to him!"

Stares at the illusion, his expression almost unreadable. He returned the squeeze to his hand, holding to Lavi and trying to give him as much strength as he could. Gone was the fact that he had met the Fourteenth. Lavi needed him now and he was more than content to ignore his own trauma at the moment.

"Lavi is Lavi. He's more real than you are. At least he's here," he replied with determination. Looking down at Lavi, he frowned. "He was the one that Rhode took control of, wasn't he? Deak, I mean."

Lavi shook his head fiercely. "No... not really. Well, he was one of the ones I saw, but that... that wasn't me, not at all."

God, I hope we don't see him...

As if reading his thoughts, the illusion shimmered and vanished, only to be replaced by an even more frightening image. This reflection of Lavi stood at the same height, looking eye-to-eye with the other, but his eye was even colder, darker, something inherently wrong behind the gaze. A dark tattoo-like mark ran from his ear to under his eye and across his nose.

"But I am 'you'," the reflection spoke, his intonation flat. "You've just chosen to deny me. But I am a part of you. 'Lavi' is the illusion."

"I know it wasn't you," Allen said, giving his lover a reassuring squeeze of his hand. Of course he knew that Lavi wasn't himself then. The Lavi he knew would never think of them as anything other than their comrades. He knew who Lavi was and he wasn't a heartless, uncaring bastard as he saw now. Not like what he'd seen on the Ark.

A quick glance at the illusion once more and his breath nearly caught in his throat, seeing that mark on his lover's cheek. That familiar mark, the one that was burnt into his memory from their encounter."You're wrong!" Allen narrowed his eyes at the illusion, the words coming out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop them.

Taking a bold step forward, he faced the other "Lavi", his silver eyes hard and determined. "If he was an illusion, you would be here and he wouldn't. I know who Lavi is and he knows himself. You might be a part of him but that doesn't make you who he is now."

Lavi staggered back, crashing into one of the other mirrors behind him, sending cracks splintering across the surface. "Go away!" he cried, his eye wide. Logically, he knew what was standing in front of him was only an illusion, something conjured up by this funhouse, but he couldn't stop the images from replaying in his mind.

It was the Malnosso, they made you see all that, made you act like that, you know that...

"No, no, nonono..." he murmured, bringing his hand up to cover his eye. "You're not here, you're not real, not again!"

The mirror Lavi ignored Allen, focusing its attention on the redhead. "This reflection might not be real, but you know I'm still inside you. You can't deny that."

"Lavi!" Allen felt himself jerk backwards, the grip on the redhead's hand not slipping even when he hit the mirror. This was a mistake in more ways than one but it was too late to regret it. One thing was for certain: the shadow he saw in the mirror each and every day of the Fourteenth was preferable to this place.

Thinking quickly, Allen put himself in front of Lavi, wishing desperately that he had two hands to keep his lover's face on him. "Lavi, stop looking at him and don't listen. We need to get out of here. This is all an illusion, remember? You told me that."

Lavi rocked back and forth slightly, clutching at his head. Everything the Malnosso had made him see, everything they'd made him think he'd done, everything he had done while that persona had taken over was replaying in horrific flashbacks behind his tightly-closed eye. Reality and illusion were blurring again, making him want to withdraw into that safe place where everything was quiet and still and he didn't have to see those things...

"It's not me, it's not, it's not...!"

Allen kept himself between Lavi and the mirror, hoping he could fill all of his lover's vision. If the illusion was a reflection of himself, it couldn't appear if Allen was there. All that would be there would be...

Shaking his head, he nodded lightly, leaning in to press his forehead to Lavi's. "It's not you, Lavi. You need to calm down. It's not real, it's an illusion, remember?" Something was wrong, something that Allen didn't understand and probably would never understand. He truly wished that he could reach into Lavi's mind and soothe whatever was causing this pain.

Lavi drew in several rapid breaths, his chest catching in something akin to a sob. He tried to listen to Allen's words, tried to calm, but the roaring in his ears was almost overpowering everything else.

After what seemed like an eternity, he dared to open his eye. Allen filled his vision, blocking out everything that the mirror would show him. Clutching at his lover's shoulders, he pulled him close, kissing him desperately for a long moment. "Let's get outta here, yeah?" he said in a choked voice, his eye closed again.

Nodding and not even wanting to raise an objection, Allen helped his lover to his feet and looked for the exit. It wasn't far and soon they were outside in the open air once more. He took in a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he forced his heart to stop beating so fast.

"Are you okay, Lavi?" he asked quietly, looking over at his lover with deep worry. Standing up straight, he put his arm around Lavi's shoulders. "I don't feel like going on anymore rides today. Let's go back to the hotel and get some rest."

Lavi nodded, feeling numb, weak, and shaky once they exited into the deceptively bright sunlight. "Y-yeah. Don't feel so good. Wanna sleep." He leaned heavily on Allen, his eye half-closed already.

"Not here," Allen said, his voice barely above a whisper as he took all of Lavi's weight on him. It was difficult without his other arm but, if fighting against Fou had taught him anything, it was how to deal with a change of balance. "Come on, Lavi. We can't sleep here."

There were some things that he needed to ask him but they would have to wait. His eyes were focused on the hotel, entering it without looking around at anyone or offering them any explanation. The lift ride only seemed to make Lavi heavier and he was glad when they got to their room, yet...

He could only stand there helplessly, glaring at the door. Shifting Lavi as best he could, he tried to rouse him enough to realise where they were. "You need to open the door," he said, worry tinting his voice.

Lavi was barely aware of the walk back to the hotel room, his head lolling against Allen's shoulder. He roused slightly when they reached the door, blinking slowly to try to clear his vision. "O-okay..." he murmured, fumbling in his pocket for the room key. He managed to get the door open, then stumbled inside, and would have fallen to the floor if not for Allen's support.

The young Exorcist nearly stumbled himself, kicking the door closed behind them as he brought Lavi to the bed. Sitting him on it, he reached down to fumble with his lover's boots, taking them off and placing them aside. Getting to his feet, he swung Lavi's legs into the bed and went to close the drapes.

"Get some sleep, Lavi," he murmured, coming back over to the bed. He kicked off his own shoes and climbed into the bed with the redhead, pulling him close. "We'll talk later. Just sleep now."

Lavi curled onto his side, shifting closer to Allen even as his eye closed. "M'kay. Thanks... sorry..." he whispered, drifting off quickly.

His sleep was far from restful, however. Not even an hour after he'd fallen asleep, he began to moan and stir, curling in on himself. "N-noo..."

As Lavi seemed to drift off, Allen found he couldn't sleep. The image haunted him, seeing himself with those eyes and the ashen skin of a Noah invading his vision as soon as he closed his eyes. He knew he wasn't a coward but this frightened him in many ways. Losing those he cared for was something that had bothered him since before he found out that the had a Noah within him.

Yet, right now, that didn't matter to him. His first priority was to Lavi and his own fears were secondary. He forcibly shoved his worry aside, feeling his lover stir against him.

"Lavi, what is it?"

Lavi couldn't seem to break free from his nightmare, images of his dark self attacking and killing his friends playing in vivid life behind his tightly-closed eyes. He whimpered in his sleep, unconsciously clutching at Allen.

Nightmares were something that Allen knew well. He'd dealt with them for as long as he could remember. When he was little, it was the reminder of the abuse he faced as the "demon child" that people painted him. After Mana's death, it was that scene replayed again and again in his mind, a nightmare that happened to this day. Now he got convoluted nightmares, ones that involved Mana, the Fourteenth and other things he couldn't even figure out.

Once again he shoved his fears aside, hand resting on Lavi's shoulder and shaking him a bit more. "Lavi, wake up. You're all right, you're here with me." He was still at a loss to explain this, wondering what could have possibly shocked his lover so much to reduce him to this. "Please, talk to me."

Lavi awoke with a gasp, sitting bolt upright in the bed. For a moment, his eye looked around wildly, as though he couldn't remember where he was. Finally, though, awareness came back to him, and he slumped into Allen's arms with a sound like a muffled sob. "S-sorry... did I wake ya?" he said quietly.

"Don't worry about that," Allen whispered, shaking his head. He still held to his lover, kissing his forehead gently. "What's got you so worked up? I don't understand."

He hated the idea that he was rushing Lavi to explain to him what was going on but he couldn't stay in confusion forever. It seemed so strange to him, almost like an overreaction but he knew Lavi and he knew that he wouldn't overreact about something like this. Whatever it was, it had wounded him deep enough to drive him to be upset beyond belief.

Lavi swallowed, curling into Allen's arms. "Did I... ever tell you what Road did to me, in her world? You saw me... outside, attackin' you... did I ever tell you what was goin' on in my head then?"

Allen shook his head, unsure of where this was going. Lavi had recovered faster once he was saved from Road's grasp. Surely it wasn't just that which had caused this reaction?

"No, you haven't told me anything about it. Not here or even back home." It almost pained him to think that Lavi might have been suffering without saying a word back home. They'd barely had enough time to talk lately so it was unreasonable to think that they could have gotten their problems out in the open with all that was going on in the Order. "Is that what this is about?"

Lavi shook his head, then hesitated and nodded faintly. "Y-yeah. Sort of. It's not just that..." he broke off and took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. "A few months before you got here, the Malnosso took me for one of their experiments. They... made me think that I was that... dark version of myself, and made me watch myself killin' all of my friends... and you, especially. Over 'n over." He swallowed again, shuddering as the memory played itself out vividly again.

"Once I was free, I... wasn't well. For a long time. Couldn't talk, couldn't respond to anyone... I pretty much locked myself away, stuck seein' those dreams. I finally got outta that, with some help. But then..." he trailed off again, shivering and clutching at Allen's shirt. It was so hard to remember that this Allen hadn't been the one there with him through that time, and that he didn't know about all of it, so he had to tell him.

"Then... there was another experiment," he continued, his voice barely above a whisper. "They brought out... that dark side of me. And... I hurt people. I hurt you with words, I nearly killed Dai-... another friend, and... then I was afraid, for a long time, that he... that dark me would come back." He was pressed close to Allen now, speaking against his neck. "So, I guess when I saw him in the mirror today, that kinda... brought back all those memories. M'sorry."

Allen doesn't even try to interrupt as Lavi speaks, taking it all in and trying to understand it. This was traumatising for his redheaded lover, that much was fairly clear by now. He wished that he'd been there for him when his lover needed it most, Lavi's shivering and the pausing telling him more than even the explanation did.

Once Lavi finished, Allen held Lavi to him, trying to think of what to say. What could he possibly say to him that wouldn't sound terribly inadequate after he understood the truth? It was difficult enough to hear it but to do anything other than reply that he understood...

"Don't apologise. You've got nothing to apologise for. It's not your fault, none of it is your fault." Shifting slightly, he got more comfortable, thoughts coming a bit easier now. "The Malnosso are the ones who cause these experiments. That wasn't you."

Lavi sighed, his face still buried in Allen's shoulder. "That's the thing, though. It is me, a part of me Road brought out, part of me the Malnosso thought they could fuck with. It's... somethin' inside me that I don't ever wanna think about, but it's there."

"It's not you," Allen insisted pulling away enough to look at his lover. He put his hand under Lavi's chin, trying to force him to look at him rather than hide away. "Don't you realise that you can say the same thing about me now? Would you say the same things about me if the Fourteenth came out and killed people?"

For the first time, Allen knew how similar the both of them were. They had so much in common, it was almost painful. A side that was hidden from others, a side that might hurt the people they cared for most. A dark side that was always lurking there and wanting to emerge when they least expected it. It was the same for Lavi and, though it was probably not the best way to think, he could relate to him.

"That isn't you, it's not the Lavi I know. You wouldn't hurt or kill people even if they made you angry." Noah were another matter altogether but they weren't here to argue semantics. "I know all of this and I still trust you, Lavi."

Lavi resisted looking up at Allen for a moment, then paused and finally met his eyes. "Y-yeah. I guess you're right. We both got things inside us we'd rather not see." He remembered what he'd seen in Allen's reflection in the house of mirrors, and shivered slightly.

"Thing is, he's closer to what I'm supposed to be. The observer without a heart... the perfect Bookman. But I ain't that, not anymore. I can't be... not anymore."

"Then he's not you. I'm going to keep saying it until you understand it, Lavi." Allen moved his hand to put it on Lavi's cheek, leaning in to kiss his forehead. "I don't mean that you're worried over nothing and I understand why you're afraid. That illusion we saw today isn't you and would never be you. He's not the one lying here in this bed with me."

Allen wondered if he was doing more harm than good. He wasn't good at these kinds of things but he hoped that Lavi knew that he still loved and trusted him. "I love you, Lavi. Please, don't second-guess yourself."

"I know. I know he's not." Lavi sighed and rested his head down on Allen's shoulder again, ignoring the strangeness that came with his lover's missing arm. "I just... gotta keep remembering that. It's hard. What they made me see was so real, and I was him, when I attacked you and then here for awhile during that experiment... but that's not the real me. I just gotta remember it ain't me, not Lavi." He curled closer. "I'm Lavi... I am. I don't wanna be anyone else, not ever. And... I love you, Allen."

While Allen was still slightly confused about some things, he was a lot less in the dark than he was earlier. All he knew was that the Malnosso and Road had a lot in common now. Both had enjoyed toying with Lavi's mind, dragging out a side of him he didn't like.

Kissing his lover's cheek, Allen shifted to get comfortable, feeling a bit tired after their ordeal. "I don't blame you for what happened in the Ark. I never have. You are our comrade, our friend and my lover," he murmured, pulling closer to Lavi. "No one can make me change my mind no matter what happens."

Nodding, Lavi buried his face in Allen's neck. "Thank you," he murmured, kissing the soft skin there. "M'sorry to put all this on you too. M'glad you're here, though."

The young Exorcist smiled and kissed Lavi's cheek gently. "You're not putting it on me. I want to help you even if all I can do is listen. I'm glad that I'm here, too." It made Allen relax as he noticed that Lavi seemed to be relaxing as well, glad that he could provide this comfort to his lover.

Once again he found his thoughts wandering, this time to the Malnosso and the experiments they had run even before he found himself here. If they could do what they did to Lavi again, he knew that he would need to be prepared. His thoughts made him hold to the redhead a bit tighter, as if he could stop him from being the one to be experimented on.

Slowly, Lavi began to relax in Allen's arms, beginning to drift back to sleep. He felt better after confiding in his lover, and even though this Allen hadn't been with him through those experiments, Lavi knew that he could trust him. Knowing that Allen had forgiven him for what had happened on the Ark helped too.

Sighing again, Lavi held Allen tighter as his eye closed and he fell into a more peaceful sleep.

[LOG] Lavi and Allen: In the House of Personas

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