I'll be fine, I swear

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Who: [Bad username or site: gaijin_ninja title=Raphael @ livejournal.com] and [Bad username or site: i_speak_softly title=Donatello @ livejournal.com]
What: Brotherly weekend camping trip
When: Backdated to early this morning
Where: Near the western lake
Summary: Raph and Don take a much-needed break from civilization to regroup and recover from recent losses.
Rating: T


For the first time in weeks, Raph's actually excited to start the day. They'd done all their packing the night before, told Casey all about their plans in case someone started asking after them, and headed out for the west lake at the break of dawn.

The morning was warm, but not unbearably so compared to the heatwave the rising sun was sure to bring. Luckily they'd be traveling by the shade of the forest through the worst of it, and reach a suitable campsite by the cool relief of sundown.

Now Raph would never call himself anything but city-bred. He loves the noise and clamber of the streets far more than what's good for him. But walking through the dappled shade to the sound of summer breeze and birdsong is something he's learned to appreciate.

Quiet. God, he just needed quiet. Give him some time to get away from prying people and just relax for once.

He closes his eyes, shifts his pack, and sighs, sending another watchful look to his brother following not far behind.

"Reminds you of Northampton, don't it?"

Comments

[i_speak_softly]

Don rolls to his knees, pushing Raph towards the water. "Go. The river. I'll clean this up."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Raph growls more at himself than anything else, then stomps off toward the riverbank. He crouches there, cooling his hands, but winds up lost in his own bitter thoughts. After a while, it should be pretty obvious he's not coming back to the campsite on his own.

[i_speak_softly]

Don takes his time with the rabbit - cutting off the charred parts, then neatly dividing the rest into quarters. Then, after a glance around to make sure no animals are waiting to steal their dinner, he goes to join Raph at the riverbank, kneeling beside him and looking at his hands in the water. "Are you all right?"

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," he grunts, bitterness palpable in his voice. He takes his hands out of the water, clenches and unclenches his fists. It's fine. The callouses on his hands kept him pretty well protected.

But if Don pays attention, he'll notice Raph's plastron rise and fall in the telltale rhythm of meditative breathing; a breathing exercise Splinter had taught him to regain control of his emotions.

"It ain't ruined, is it?"

[i_speak_softly]

Don notices, all right, but he doesn't see any reason to call attention to it. "It's fine. It smells good." And if it got a little burnt, it's his own fault for overestimating.

He stands up and takes a step back towards the fire, hesitating to see whether Raph will follow.

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Raph gets up and follows Don back to the campsite, reclaiming his spot in the sand. But there's something brewing inside him that completely chases away his appetite, and he winds up only picking at his food half-heartedly. The rabbit isn't bad, no. He just can't clear the feeling of ice and fire that expands until it fills him, leaving room for nothing else.

He hasn't eaten much to speak of in over a week. And even though he's tried acting like everything's fine and normal and nothing's changed, it only lasts for the moment. Then it all starts catching up to him.

If he bends anymore he's gonna snap, and it's gonna be really freakin' ugly. Eventually he'll have to talk. Eventually he'll have to cut the act before he explodes. But he doesn't even know where to begin.

The night is quiet, interrupted only by the sound of night bugs and the crackling fire. He chews slowly, pushes his food around, frowns at his plate.

"You ain't still doin' that self-blamin' crap, are ya?"

He sends a sideways glance at what he can see of Don in the firelight. Here goes.

[i_speak_softly]

"Ehhh..." Don picks at the greasy meat, pulling it apart with his fingers. This exercise makes the food take up more room on his plate, but does little to disguise the fact that he's hardly eating any of it. "I feel pretty stupid about the whole thing. I seriously underestimated the strength of the energy field. I knew I should have spent more time on the insulation..."

He reaches forward to feed another stick into the fire. "Do you want me to try again?"

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Raph just stares. "I mean Leo, you dumbnut."

[i_speak_softly]

It takes Don a minute to follow Raph's train of thought. Then he frowns. "Raph, he disappeared from right under our noses. How can that not bother you?"

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

"It does." His eyes move to the fire. "But it ain't like Mikey. Leo..." Ah, how does he put this? "He's better off goin' back."

[i_speak_softly]

Don sighs, setting his plate down next to himself. "I know. He - This place wasn't good for him. It's just that..." He sweeps his foot across the sand, trying to think how to say why this feels so wrong. "I would have liked to say goodbye."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Raph grunts, still very much bitter. "Yeah, well, that's life."

He shoves a hunk of meat in his mouth in a way that's almost violent. He's really trying not to get angry. Really.

[i_speak_softly]

Don hunches even further forward, and resists the urge to tell Raph what an insensitive jerk he's being. Instead, he'll aim his frustration elsewhere.

"And I'm sick of it."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Don's frustration only feeds his own, threatening to erupt. "Yeah? So what're you gonna do about it? Blow yourself up again? Or maybe we can fight these guys, you know, use our magic powers of killin' things nobody can touch."

[i_speak_softly]

Resistance proves futile, and frustration picks a new target. "I didn't ask for your negativity."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

"I'm just statin' the facts." He shoves another hunk of meat in his mouth. If he was having trouble eating before, he certainly isn't now. Mostly he's using it to stall and avoid saying what he really wants to say.

[i_speak_softly]

"I think you need to do better research, then." Don enumerates his own version of the facts on his fingers. "When you got locked in that truck, I overrode the electronics with a screwdriver. When we were in the Triceraton prison, we almost escaped with a blob of floor wax and some cleaning supplies. And when April's puzzle box brought us to that other dimension, we teleported ourselves home again." He finally leans back, satisfied with his case. "The technology might be more advanced here, but that just means we have to raise our game."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

He sighs.

"I ain't sayin' you should quit tryin', but I ain't gonna get my hopes up, either."

[i_speak_softly]

Well, way to send mixed messages, bro.

His next words are much quieter. "Just tell me what you want me to do."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Raph works his throat for a moment, his last bite of food sticking to his throat like paste. In all honesty? He has no freakin' idea where to go from here.

"I don't want you hurtin' yourself like that again. Next time you build somethin', test it first. Got it?"

[i_speak_softly]

"I did test it. I was sticking it into outlets for days. And I did the math. But, like I said, the barrier had a much more powerful current than I expected. The numbers were all wrong." He picks up his plate and moodily eats a few more bites. "I should have spent more time on it. I got impatient. I'm sorry."

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

Raph...says nothing, just stares at the fire and finishes what's on his plate. He can't really console Don, tell him it wasn't his fault and it'll be okay. Because it was his fault, and things will most definitely not be his flavor of okay for a long time ahead. He can just feel it.

"Whatever."

The word makes him sick to his stomach. The whole situation makes him sick. The only thing he can think to do is distract himself by getting up and grabbing his bedroll. He'll get to the dishes in the morning. For now all he wants to do is sleep.

[i_speak_softly]

With Raph so clearly done talking for the night, there's nothing left for Don to do but bank up the fire and dump the food scraps outside the campsite, a small offering to any scavenging animals.

Then, with a quiet "I won't be far", he sets off around the lake to find a place to sit and work on a private project of his own.

[meanandgreen.livejournal.com]

As determined as he was to sleep hours ago, Raph finds himself slipping back to consciousness well before dawn. He rolls over under his blanket once, again, before finally opening his eyes to the cool starry sky peaking through the shadows of leafy branches.

His head aches with exhaustion that presses behind his eyes and makes his vision blurry. But his bones are restless and his mind is racing. It flips through everything in rewind, fast forward, lingering in places he can't break away. Old and new, arguments long gone and good times. Then the present, where everything changes, shifts out of place disjointed from the other pieces. Nothing seems to fit.

Then there's that loneliness again, swimming over him in waves. He breathes once, twice, but it stabs at his gut with a hot poker. His brothers are gone. Left him. Gone. And all that's left hurts like it's twisting him. Wringing him dry.

He breathes again, slow, controlled, but the next one comes in a gasp that rakes at his throat and stings his eyes. All he can do is curl on his side and stare into the darkness, haunted by the feeling that it's staring right back.

[i_speak_softly]

After a long meditation session, Don comes back to the campsite, lays down, and sleeps better than he has in a long time.

Somewhere between midnight and morning (he would know when, at home, but these strange stars -) he wakes. Raph is shifting restlessly, obviously awake.

Don shifts too, purposely making just enough noise that Raph will know he's awake too, but not so much that they can't both pretend they haven't noticed anything.