lucetilogs | "And I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream"

Entry tags:

"And I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream"

Who:

markofthebrave
What: "What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
When: December 23rd
Where: undetermined
Summary: A mistletoe-induced confession leads to two friends having The Talk.
Rating: PG?
So. That was actually... a little longer than Katara had meant to go without talking to Masaomi. This wasn't the sort of conversation she felt they could have over the journals, and then with the blizzard... it was getting to be a long time. And the longer she waited, the less Katara wanted to have this conversation. She'd come to the conclusion that there wasn't anything she could do but hurt him, and she really didn't want to hurt him. But she couldn't see any way around it...

That is, of course, when she wasn't busy building up excuses for her not to take the whole thing seriously at all. She didn't want things to change. So it was only natural that she was looking for reasons or ways in which she'd misunderstood, or read to much into what he said, or even turned the whole thing into a mean joke.

But there wasn't really any way to talk herself around the way he'd held her. And she couldn't forget the way he smiled just before he kissed her. That seemed all-too-real, and as if it was every bit as serious as her heart told her to take this, despite logic. So, she had to talk to him. She couldn't imagine just passing him on the street and having not talked to him, leaving this unresolved between them... although the more she thought of it, the more tempting it became. But it wasn't as though he'd stolen a kiss. She'd let him, and she'd kissed him back, and she said they would talk.

So she sets out to find him.

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[And now he stops again, gritting his teeth as he convulses with guilt, rage, and all sorts of pent up problems as he thinks back to that night. To that call. to freezing. Would he still freeze now? Could he save someone if he had to?]

I failed her.

[...

It's true that she'd never understood why Masaomi fought in those gangs. She never understood, really, why wars started in the first place. She just understood fighting in them once they began, needing to end them.

Kid's stuff, huh? That's a far cry from when they'd first spoken about drafts. He'd always taken it seriously, but there was a new knowledge here about just what war meant. And if he's looking at his past experiences in the light of that...

But that doesn't mean that people still couldn't get hurt.]

What happened?

[This story is... well, it's a story. He suspects - knows, now - there is more to it. Way more to it. But...]

They took her. Saki got kidnapped by Izumii and his goons. I was called to come get her, I ran - all the way to the warehouse to kill them all.

[ ... ]

And... I froze. I never stepped inside.

[He was able to be mostly level as he said that. He's actually surprised. It's probably because he knows this is not the truth. He knows that his guilt... shouldn't be there. Or should it? He still failed, even if the circumstances were more complex]

Edited 2012-01-03 07:31 (UTC)

[Izumii is an unfamiliar name, but she'll remember it.

And... freezing, she can understand. But not stepping inside? Not even getting help? That's... completely foreign to her. That's just not something you do - although, yes, it's scary - not acting? That's just not... not... right

But he knows that. She can see that too.]

If you didn't go inside then.. what did you do?

[Did he get help? Did he run?

I failed her.]

...and what happened to her?

[Dead people show up in Luceti all the time, after all.

What he must be carrying around...]

I did nothing. I stood there. Rain fell on me.

[ ... ]

Saki broke both of her legs - bad - the bastards paralyzed her before Kadota-san and the others saved her.

[But that's not true. Of course it's not true.

She could stand.

But a new thing comes in here - emotion breaks into his voice. A deep, deep sorrow. He might as well be starting to sob, because it's breaking in here and there]

[Rain fell on me.

Oh, Masaomi...

And that - that was cruel. Killing and capturing, she could understand. That was part of her world. But torture? Torture to noncombatants just to hurt someone else... that was evil, and wrong.

And he... his heart was still breaking over this. She didn't blame him. She'd be stuck on it too.

Katara gently lays a hand on his shoulder. Once again, she's not sure what to say, but...

Why didn't you go inside?

That's not fair. She knows that's not fair. Sometimes fear... Sometimes fear can make you run away.

She had, when Yon Rah had come for her mother. Aang had, when they told him of the change in his responsibilities. It's not right. But she knows it happens.]

I'm sorry.

[His head droops further. He resists crying- he will not, will not dissolve more after saying that to Katara. He cannot explain this whole situation, can he... because what will she think of him then? What will she think of him when it's all over. What does she think of him now?]

We broke up after she was hospitalized. She's stayed there since.

[...Yeah, he's terrible. So what. That guilt, how could he face her after all that. Hug her. Kiss her. Love her? How could he confront the day by day with her knowing he had so utterly failed. His face waves more. He chokes out the last part.

And it still isn't true]

[Oh. That's. ...terrible.

Her hand slides off his shoulder.

He's obviously strongly affected by this - ashamed. But still. Emotions don't change actions.

But Katara doesn't move away. She stands there, staring at him, trying to see his face.]

...she was who you were looking for, wasn't she. That one experiment - do you remember? [The big lie that hid all but their most important truths.] When [they had...] you were checking all the rooms in the clinic.

Yeah, it was her. [And he... laughs. Or well no he doesn't laugh, but he lets out a short mirthless approximation of a laugh which might well be a sob as well. And then he looks up at her, briefly. His eyes are wide, glistening but he's not actually crying. He looks more unhinged than he has in a while. Feels more out of it than he has in a while]

And who I was on that bridge.

[When Katara was her mother, as he recalls]

[The impulse is to rush to judgement. To try to move him right along and help him see past it, or even to condemn... to tell him what he did was wrong, but to say that he was sorry and that... counted for something, didn't it? But it didn't count for enough, and they both knew that. And he looks... he looks wild right now, like he's not sure where to go or what to do, but wound tight enough to snap and hurting - and it's too late now, anyway. He's already someone she cares about. This is close, but not enough, to what it takes for her to write off a friend.

And there's something more here than what he's seeing.]

And you're staying with her now.

[So obviously... she forgave you. And you moved past it. Didn't you?

You found each other. Your most important person... and the person you thought you'd lost.]

Ah, I am. ...I didn't know where else she could be.

[And she... was so intent on it she was standing and Izaya showed up and... really, all things considered, it moved so fast and before he and Mikado even knew what they were doing, after Anri vanished, and all of it is just a blurr. That second part is said quieter and the first part, which is said with the same pained resignation. His eyes though, get a little wider]

[He needs to stop looking like he's about to cackle maniacally or scream. Or... if this is bothering him this much, he needs to let it out because... she doesn't know for sure if she can help him, but she can take whatever he can dish out, and right now she's not sure if he'll hurt himself... or even someone else... if he doesn't work through this. She remembers that night Mikado went home and--

Has he been carrying this - all these feelings around - this whole time? Without saying anything? No wonder he's so upset.]

Masaomi. [She says his name not because she has anything particular to follow it up, but to try to anchor him. Look at me. Focus on what's happening right now. Whatever you're feeling or seeing, it isn't happening right now.]

That means it's okay, doesn't it? You two are working through it. You're not running away from her anymore.

No. It doesn't.

[He breathes in and out. He hands his head, closes his eyes, looks at her scarf as he opens them, and then focuses back on her with this face Back to (close to) expressionlessness] Not at all. [I still want to run. He was probably just fooling himself]

We've several months removed in time from back home. She came here knowing we worked through it. So it seems.

[She watches him get himself back under control, uncertain that's it's the right thing for him, but... she's not about to stop him.]

Oh. [...] So she has expectations but you... you haven't worked anything out with her yet. You haven't talked to her.

[Because she's somewhat familiar with Masaomi's fantastic avoidance skills.]

[...]

Katara... even if I say something, does that make it okay? [...] Even if I'm not sure I- [She can stand. That anomaly. Paralyzed, as he said, but she can stand. He wonders if anyone else comprehends the meaning... probably not. Only Erika, Mikado, and Katara now know.]

[But no, he shakes his head and dismisses those thoughts. They have no point here. Instead, a light smile comes on his lips. It doesn't reach his eyes. It doesn't anything.]

She never stopped knowing I'd come back to her.

[He could date all the girls he wants. She would have him.

Because Izaya said so]

Edited 2012-01-03 18:53 (UTC)

[She never stopped knowing I'd come back to her. Katara's... not sure how to deal with that, that kind of faith. And she's not sure, if she had been in Saki's place, that'd she'd want Masaomi to come back to her. If he'd proven that he couldn't be relied on once, and then left and not tried to make it better...

She must love him very much.

She's not sure... where that puts her at all. If she should try to make him talk to her or... how she can step out of this place that she didn't want to be in the first place. But her feelings of confusion and isolation and - smallness - will just have to wait.]

There's nothing that you can say to make up for the past. Nothing makes it better. But an apology is a start for the future... and even if you chose to not go back to her like that, it would be better for both of you if you talked about it.

[...]

You're not the same person you were back then. Just the fact that you're staying around her now tells me that. You can choose not to run away now.

[There is a distinct, a prolonged pause as he hangs his head once more. In, out, in, out. And when he pulls his head up again he has a big grin on his face not matching his eyes and holds up a hand to stop her there]

Ah! One point of clarification, Katara! What happens with me and Saki is not your responsibility!

[In other words: butt out.

Yeah, right.]

I'm not saying this because I think it's my responsibility. I'm saying it because I'm concerned about you.

[He knows. And that's why it hurts. She's concerned about him- she wants to fix this. she wants to solve his problem here. What if he doesn't want to? He keeps smiling and hops two skips backwards before giving an offhand solute]

And it's A- [Finger wiggle>] pre- [Finger wiggle>] ci - [Finger wiggle>] ated! Buuuuut, isn't this conversation about us?

[And there he goes, slipping away from something serious that he doesn't want to discuss and into flirting again. But he does have a point. Although she's not sure there's much left to discuss. His heart has deeper claims on someone else, he's not asking her out so she doesn't need to say anything to him about that... anything else would be bound to be even more complicating.

Besides. She's stubborn. Katara crosses her arms.]

Yes. But you are part of us and this is important to you. [And then she softens a little, a shade of uncertainty crossing her face.] Besides. I'm not sure what else there is to say.

[Unless... there was a reason why he was telling her all this.]

Edited 2012-01-03 19:43 (UTC)

There is! In fact-! [And he dances a bit off to the side of her, holding up two fingers] There are two, count them, two facts which are still relevant here! And then possibly some more talk after that, right?! The first, and the most important for you to know iiiiiis-!

[The middle finger goes down so he's only holding up the index finger. then the thumb goes up, forming a "gun" which he points at her. And then, seriously-]

Despite not asking you out, that's not for me, or for Saki. That's for you.

[There's that confused and "behind" feeling again. Like the lead has been taken right out from her and she's not sure what she has to do...]

What do you mean?

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