lucetilogs | Event Log - Malnosso World

[Billy hesitates, and he tries to conceal the relief that flooded into him at Teddy's suggestion - god, he tries - but he doubts he's able to hide it. He's always been an open book, and it's even harder than ever to conceal how he really feels around Teddy.

Dammit... and now he's gone and made Teddy do something for him again.]

A... are you sure...? I could...

[He trails off, as if knowing it's pointless. His reaction alone had been the deciding factor.

I have to do better than this...]

Edited 2013-11-07 09:52 (UTC)

[And indeed, his reaction is the deciding factor. It's easy to see how much Billy relaxed, even though he tried not to. Teddy's more resolved now, and so he nods, hiding his own discomfort over having to leave.]

I'm sure. I'll be back faster than the Flash. [... Although they both know he can't possibly do that. But before he leaves, he looks at Billy for a moment, then crosses to him in two strides, one hand on his shoulder and the other against his cheek.]

... You'll be okay here? [You won't let that thing possess you again? You won't be gone again...?]

[With this, he can be stronger. Billy nods without hesitating, lifting his hand to curl around Teddy's, smiling faintly and giving it a light squeeze.]

Yeah. I'll clean up a bit, get the place ready. Shower, maybe. I mean, I must be kind of rank, I don't know how you can stand to be near me...

[It's a weak attempt at a joke, to lighten the mood, and it doesn't really work; he knows what Teddy's really asking.]

...I'll be here when you get back.

[I'll be me.]

[At that - both the joke and the reassurance, Teddy feels a faint smile of his own come up, small and yet genuine. That's all he needed to hear, even if he knows he's going to worry as soon as he steps out that door. Still, right now... It's enough. It's enough to get him through the door.]

... You do kind of stink, if we're going to be honest here. [It's his own attempt at light-hearted poking, one that's followed by stroking Billy's cheekbone, then leaning in to give him a quick, chaste kiss.] I'll see you in a bit.

[And, knowing that staying here any longer will make Teddy's resolve falter and crumble, he forces himself away from Billy and walks away, taking the keys and locking the door behind him as he leaves. Force of habit, the fact that someone he loves is alone in there... Those keys are important to him right now.]

[The sound of the locked door should probably reassure him, a recognition that Teddy's still looking out for his safety - especially now that he's banned himself from using magic - but at the core it's a reminder of how he behaved not that long ago. A shell of his former self, a pathetic, needy person who could barely take care of himself, who didn't even really want to. How many times had Teddy left his room, or the apartment, locking the door behind him to keep people out- or better yet, to keep him in? More times than he can count.

Not this time, though. He can look after himself. He can leave if he wants. But he won't, because Teddy expects him to be here, just like he said.

Feeling lonesome and a bit lost now that Teddy's gone, he busies himself with what he said he'd do: clean up. The pot, he doesn't even try to sort out, just leaves it in the sink, but the food needs to go back into the fridge, so that's job one. Two is to get dishes and cutlery for the food Teddy's fetching, three is to make the beds - separate beds, and how awful is it that this is the first time he's noticed that they haven't shared a bed in a month? - and four will be to shower and shave.

He doesn't quite make it to four. In the middle of making Teddy's bed, tucking the sheets under the pillows, he finds the list.

The title immediately fills him with dread, and he sinks down onto the mattress, that feeling only getting worse and worse the further down the list that he gets. He doesn't even make it halfway before his vision starts to blur, and god, he's crying all over again, tears trailing down his cheeks and dripping onto the paper, smearing the ink. He doesn't stop reading, though. This is something he'd needed to see.

This... is how Teddy feels about himself.

This is how I made him feel.

Again. I made him feel like this again...

It's heartbreaking and terrifying, to realize how much weight his opinion held over Teddy's self-worth. To know that all of his words of encouragement, everything he ever told Teddy about loving him for himself, shifting or no shifting, everything he'd done to try and prove it to Teddy, had been swept under the rug with one immensely terrible mistake. This was his crime, the greatest one of all. Every single item on that list was a part of Teddy that Billy loved, and he'd made Teddy doubt them all.

God. God. And he thought they'd made it through the worst of it.

Still crying, shaking with guilt, he finds one of the spare hotel pens, and he writes, too. He scribbles and he rambles and he cries more tears than he thought he had left. Only when every single item is addressed, corrected, and agonized over does he finally find the strength to stand up, setting the tear-stained page on the bed and half-fleeing to the bathroom.

He... needs to not be here for a while. A shower is a good enough excuse to get him away for when Teddy comes back; he needs to muster the courage to face him again, shouldering the new-found weight of the damage he's done.]

[While Teddy's out, the overwhelming itch all over his body is back, and he can't help scratching at whatever feels the most uncomfortable as he walks and tries to figure out where everything is. He does his best to keep his head down, not willing to see or talk to anyone, lest he realizes that they're looking at him. Him and his dumb, ugly self. Who would want him, anyway? He's the quiet one, not nearly the attention-getter that Billy is. It makes sense, really... ha...

At one point as he looks through the clothes offered at the giftshop, he pushes his hand against the table too hard, and his nail bends back enough to bleed. He cringes, but expected it to heal in seconds... and it doesn't. Right... Instead, he grabs a box of band-aids and already takes one out to wrap around his thumb. First time he actually had a use for these things...

While he's there, he takes a forest green hoodie. It's easier, having the hood up and seeing the edge of the fabric above his vision, knowing that he'll be less recognizable like this. At least now he feels like he isn't on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Finally, he does grab some food, enough to last them for a couple of days, ranging from ingredients for an actual meal when they're feeling like responsible and healthy adults to ramen when they're feeling like lazy and unhealthy teenage boys. That's about all he needs, so he heads back, his steps gaining in speed the closer he gets.

But when he's there, he stops, hand in his pocket and feeling the keys as he stares at the door. Billy had told him that he'd be here, and Teddy knew what he meant by it, but what if... what if Billy has no control over it? What if it comes back even with him resisting it? What if he walks in and finds the love of his life at the window again, blue in his eyes and watching the world go by?

What if he isn't? Are you going to keep running from this?

...

With a deep breath, Teddy unlocks the door and heads inside. The shower is going... so Billy actually is taking a shower. That's a good sign... Really good, actually. Before this, Teddy'd have to poke and bully at Billy to take care of himself like this. Now, he did it all on his own... That's so good to hear.

He puts the food away, then goes to the bedroom to pull his hoodie off, and he's got his hands at the edges of it when he sees the paper on his bed. Crumpled, stained, and with writing so fami -

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no no, did Billy see it? Teddy had forgotten - That list he made, the one that listed every single flaw that Teddy saw, everything that made him cringe every time he looked in the mirror. This was the last thing he wanted Billy to see, knowing that Billy had tried so hard to fix his view of himself. And he did, he did, but so many days of doubting himself and his looks and his personality, and he'd just... fallen back into his old ways. And Teddy knows just as well that he isn't out of those woods yet, not by a long shot.

He's tempted to leave. Billy doesn't know he's here, so he could just - get out, not come back for a while, not see the look on Billy's face. But... there's more writing on there. Writing Teddy didn't leave when he was writing everything down, when he angrily scribbled out the rest. Part of him doesn't want to see it, afraid of what he'll find. But curiosity is getting the better of him. So he walks further in, leaving his hoodie alone, and sinks down in the mattress, then slowly reaches out to take the paper and read it for himself.

...

He doesn't even get to the second line when his own vision blurs, for so many reasons. This list is... Billy'd actually gone through and wrote on every single one, writing everything he loved about Teddy. Never once calling him out on it, showing disappointment for forgetting everything he told Teddy, or calling him an idiot like Teddy is doing to himself. They're all compliments, sincere and genuine, and he can just hear Billy's voice in his words. And the tears on the paper... God, he did that. He and his stupid list made Billy cry again, and hard, even the number of drops on the paper have anything to say about it.

Teddy wants to stop. But no, he... he needs to keep reading. This is important, probably one of the most important things he'll ever read.

And when he's done, he bends over to rest his forehead against his knee, one hand on the back of his head, the other on his neck, while he lets the tears fall. New from the thoughts and worries he had over the past month, and old from his past self, the one who shifted and changed every day to meet what everyone else liked and wanted. It's so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely breathe, only taking in shuddering breaths and letting them out in quiet sobs. This is the one thing that will always haunt him, the fact that his own body could be so much better than it is, and that so many people know it. It's not just other people can pick out his flaws - No, it's he himself who's his own worst enemy. And just when he was feeling comfortable and proud in his own skin, the one who made him feel that way showed him a replacement whom he seemed to prefer, and Teddy's confidence had shattered.

It feels like he's slowly picking up the pieces between his sobs. Not putting them together, but just holding them in his arms, unsure where to start, but wanting to. He just... needs to figure out how. And when he does, he - maybe he'll -

Maybe he'll look at himself the way the list - the revamped list describes him. But right now? He just holds the pieces of himself and cries, for his past and his present.]

[It takes a long while for Billy to build up the strength to come out again, even after his shower; he'd had his fill of crying beneath the running water, scrubbed his skin almost raw as if the experience left him feeling unclean, as if he could rub the sins and the memories right out of him. It didn't work, obviously, and afterwards, staring at himself in the mirror, all he can see is what a far cry he is from the person he'd been before all of this started. He'd been stronger, more confident, nowhere near as pale and thin. The scrubbing had brought some colour back into his skin, but it's in uneven patches, temporary and sensitive. He wonders if this is how Teddy feels, scratching at his skin like that, though for a very different reason. It's... not a nice feeling.

He delays his exit a little longer by shaving off his morning stubble, drying off, and getting dressed into some clean clothes, fixing his hair with the slick dampness of it acting almost like the gel he'd used before, in the style Teddy had liked so much. It's a poor replica, but it'll do. Certainly better than the unkempt mess he'd been all month. Looking at himself after he finishes, he almost feels... presentable.

The door is his next enemy. It takes a lot of building up his courage, but finally, finally, he braces himself for what he might find - if Teddy's back, if he found the note - and steps through, worried about what he might find.]

Teddy...?

[Teddy hears the voice, and in that moment, he wanted so badly to shift. To make himself stop crying like always, because it's easy, it's always so easy. But again, he just... can't. Nothing he does works, and he hates himself for it, hates this place for taking way such a key part of himself.

Instead, he sits up, one hand clasped tightly over his mouth, and tries to find his voice. It's hard when his throat is clogged, when tears still turn down his face as he reads the note at his feet over and over. But he tries, and so his voices comes out in something like a watery croak (which must've sounded so unattractive, god).]

Billy...?

[It's the sound of Teddy's voice that ultimately does it for him; with a faint, pained exhale, Billy closes the distance between them, sinking down onto the bed beside Teddy and winding his arms around the blond, trying to draw him close.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have- I should've waited, I should've talked to you... I'm so sorry...

[Teddy doesn't resist the pull, far too tired of being the emotional support, the strength and the pillar. This hit way too close to home, an issue that caused him so much grief and insecurity for years now. He can't fight against this. Yes, he's usually better than this, but after all everything?

So he leans against Billy instead, head down and turned toward his chest to hide whatever his face might look like.]

I'm sorry... I should've thrown it away.

...No... I'm glad you didn't. I mean- I'm not- ...it's good that you... got it out. And that I could see it. It's like a to-do list for me, now... all the things you're worried about, and... that I love.

[He holds Teddy close, carefully, like he's fragile, and brushes a hand through his hair, kissing at the crown.]

This is all my fault... I have to make it right. I will...

Billy... this isn't a problem that'll go away easily. [Not with magic, certainly, and not with a lot of talks. Teddy presses his hand over his eyes, as if the pressure will stop his tears somehow.] I-It's been with me since I was a kid... It's why I... It's why it came back so fast. I'm not...

[I'm not sure if you can make it right.]

...But you were better.

[Billy smooths back his hair, feeling desperate, feeling the heartsick and the guilt seep back into him, his heart racing. They'd come so far, they... after all this time, Teddy'd been so different from the uncertain, ever-shifting person he'd been the day they met...

...how could I...]

You were so much better, Teddy... you had more confidence, you showed the world your real face, and people liked you. The way they still do. And that's when I... when I really started to love you. Because you were honest... and honesty is beautiful...

[He knows. Teddy knows how far he'd come, how proud Billy had been of him. It's why he didn't want him to see the list, didn't want him to know just how far Teddy had fallen from where he was just a month ago. He could've gotten back up on his own, maybe with some of Billy's help...

Right now, with his powers off, him finding his confidence again seems so far away. He takes in a shuddering breath, tensing from it all and leaning into Billy's hold a little more, needing that touch, craving it since he'd gone so long without it.]

I feel trapped... I want to make myself stop crying and I can't. I want to fix my hair and be smaller and I can't. It's like... It's like feeling your skin stretched as far as it can, but the person doing it isn't letting go. I'm a mess, and I can't fix any of it...

[He shuts his eyes, feeling more tears fall, and he curses himself for it.]

How is any of that...

I know... I know. It's this place, it's...

[He doesn't know, not really- being powerless is such a relief for Billy, and the thought of going back and regaining it terrifies him. But his magic is such a fragment of his identity because he'd only had it for a couple years now, and in relation to the number of years he's been alive, it's still so small. But Teddy? He grew up this power. Losing it, especially at a time like this...

It must feel awful, and Billy can at least sympathize. He kisses Teddy's hair again, unable to do much more than hold him and give Teddy a comforting body to cry on. From his experience, it's better to just let it out, even if it's both strange and upsetting to see his love cry like this.]

I know you don't want to hear this, but... I think, in a way, it's good. Not- not that you feel this way, just... I know you've been shifting a lot lately, changing yourself to look better. But the more you shift, I... the less you're you. I don't want to see you doing that anymore, not to... become someone else's ideal. You already are. You're perfect. And I want you to see just how much people can love you without your powers...

[Do they love me?

Or do they love the fake?

A week with someone who was perfect - no, a shadow, a shell, but - A week with that person, someone who was him and yet wasn't, and who knows what people thought of him? Maybe they preferred him. Maybe Teddy has no chance.]

I don't want people to see me. [He ducks his head further, as if he knows Billy's looking at him and he wants to hide away from it.] I'm not perfect, don't say that...

[He wanted to be perfect. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to be looked up to. He wanted to be somebody.

But he's just... Teddy. Teddy Altman, broad shoulders and dimples and cheekbones and big hands and big nose and all the other things that he'd looked at since he was a child and hated.

... Yet he can't deny the little voice in his head, the one that was there before all of this happened, finally showing itself after so long of staying quiet.

And what's wrong with being you?]

Teddy... what've I told you?

[Tentatively, Billy shifts their position to try and tug Teddy up, tilting his chin to look him in the eye. He takes it all in - red-faced and tear-stained and messy, the features prominent and unshifted on Teddy's list, the face he'd seen two years ago after taking an accidental hit for the first time, the way his heart had begun to beat a little faster upon discovering the truth, the one he'd coaxed out of hiding a little while later and the kiss he'd granted, hesitant and surprised but genuine - and he smiles. It's not a great smile, he's still riding that awful, suffocating wave of guilt, but he's pretty out of practice, anyway. But it's still a smile, and it's for Teddy.]

You're flawed. So is everyone else. It's what makes us real. Perfect is- it's boring. It's lifeless and it's empty. It doesn't feel right. We look for flaws in ourselves because it's human. And I know, I know you're not, you're Kree and you're Skrull but Teddy...

[He leans in, pressing a kiss to Teddy's nose, that nose he thinks is too big and Billy thinks is just the right size.]

...you are so very human. And your flaws make you perfect- the perfect you. Just as much as everything that's good about you does, too.

[Teddy feels like he should be shrinking away. He keeps trying to shift something, but nothing's working. Never, never in his life, except once in Vaskoth, has he ever cried this much without being able to shift away the remains before he's even finished. His cheeks are wet, his nose and lips are snotty no matter how much he wiped at them, his mouth keeps tilting downward, and his eyes hurt. It isn't even unattractive, it's just gross.

But something stirs a little when Billy keeps talking, and it makes him rooted to the spot, unable to move away. And when he kisses his nose, he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to stop himself, and remembers instead.

"What were you so worried about? You look great. It's nice to meet you."

"Have it your way. Freak."

"They want to be normal. More than anything."

"You are so very human."

"We're unstoppable."

"Normal doesn't exist."

What's wrong with being you? You're a freak, and that's okay. You're a little messed up like everyone else.

It's okay. He likes you the way you are.

... It's the first time he had a thought like that in weeks, and it's catching Teddy off guard. His thoughts had been full of doubt and self-deprecation and loathing and fears, and this one had been... it made him feel okay with himself. Just a little... It's not enough to push him back in line - that'd take a long while. But...

He pushes down against Billy's hand to duck his head anyway, because he still thinks he looks gross. But like this, he ends up looking at the list again, and his voice is quiet and still so choked when he speaks again.]

So... everything you wrote...

[The relief in Billy's eyes, his body language, is palatable. He shifts his hand to Teddy's shoulder, not forcing him to look up again, and presses his lips against the blond's forehead, as fierce and grateful as he can make it in his current mental state. He doesn't feel very strong, but... he can be strong for Teddy, if it's what he needs. Billy owes him that.]

...every word. Every word. I meant it all. And I could tell you so much more than that...

Oh god, don't do that. [Because he knows that he wouldn't be able to take any of them, because he looks at himself every day and sees all kinds of flaws, more than what he listed, much more.

... But it's so nice to hear that he meant it, even though Teddy knew already. Hearing Billy's voice say something like that, when he'd heard empty comments and wishes to leave or die and apologies... It touches him to the core, and that's something he hasn't felt in a long while.]

... Thanks. I - thanks. And I'm sorry... I should... [I should get cleaned up, I'm still a mess, I still look so gross...]

Don't thank me... this is my fault. I'm just trying to clean up my own mess.

[It sort of feels like his job isn't done yet - and what a stupid thing to think, of course he's not done, not with Teddy sounding so uncertain and upset still - so Billy leans back, brows furrowing, and sifts a hand through Teddy's hair, studying him.

....

Yup, he needs to fix this. Edging his way a bit towards the little night table between their beds, Billy snags a tissue and presses it helpfully under Teddy's nose. He knows how uncomfortable and unattractive a messy cry feels like, and he doesn't want Teddy to get up yet.]

...And speaking of mess... how about I take care of you for once, okay...?

[... Is Billy expecting him to blow his nose with him holding the tissue - ugh, no, talk about embarrassing. He glances at Billy, then takes the tissue for himself and turns his head away to blow, and - he should've gone to the restroom for this, that noise was absolutely unflattering.]

Ugh... I-I'll be fine, I just need to... [And his nose fills up almost as soon as he's cleared it, so he has to cut himself off to clean it again. Dammit, if he could just shift...]

[Yeah, good luck shaking him off now, Teddy. Billy is on a mission of repentance and he is not surrendering to your self-confidence issues so easily. He shifts closer again, brushing at Teddy's hair and gently wiping his cheeks dry with a finger.]

You're not fine. I mean... I love that you're always trying to protect me from worrying about you, but... I'm already worried. Lying won't help. So just let me do this.

[His nose seems to be okay... ish... for now, at least. He's not sure how it'll be in the next minute or two. And... honestly, Teddy isn't really sure what he's doing. As a kid, he couldn't get the hang of making himself not cry, sure, but he'd mastered it early enough to just kind of... forget what to do after that. It was easy to shift. It was easy to stop himself.

He can't now. And he's already worried Billy, like that wasn't obvious as soon as he walked into the room...

So Teddy lets his hand drop from his face, though he still keeps his gaze low. He doesn't say anything, but he's not stopping or pulling away, either. He doesn't want to look pathetic, he doesn't want Billy to keep worrying, and he doesn't want to be seen like this by anyone... but he'll let him help.]

Edited 2013-11-09 09:27 (UTC)

[Billy mulls over what to do for a long moment, idly stroking Teddy's hair over and over, soothingly, while he thinks. His gaze drifts to the table, where the supplies had been abandoned, and... hmm.]

We still haven't eaten yet... how about you make yourself comfortable, and I'll bring you breakfast in bed?

[Sure, it's just across the room, and he isn't actually making the food, but...

...okay it's probably a super dumb suggestion, but it's already out. No helping it now.]

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