lucetilogs | Event Log - Malnosso World

[The moment Teddy feels Billy's fingers against his cheeks, he squeezes his eyes shut and takes in a hiccup of a breath, feeling the tears fall even faster. Billy never really did this when he cried during his possession - he'd stroke his hair and try to hold him, but it wasn't like this. He didn't cry with him or brush away his tears or try to pull him into an embrace like this one, and because of that, Teddy lets himself lean into it, head pressed to Billy's shoulder, and winds his arms tightly around him.

He's been wanting to hold Billy like this for an entire month now, and yet he never could. The first week was because he wasn't there. The second week, Billy was unconscious, and hugging him like this would've just aggravated his injuries. The rest... there was no relief there. No lingering fear, no joy. It was love, but for Teddy is was restrained and hesitant, and for Billy it was warped and distant. And now...

Oh god, oh god, he's missed him so much, he - he hadn't really seen him since they... since...]

They killed you. [It's muffled against Billy's shoulder, and it makes a shudder pass through Teddy's shoulders, tension and fear and dread in his chest as he remembers that horrible moment.] For a while, I thought... I thought you were still... I thought they...

[He'd thought that because of this, they really did kill the love of his life for good. It's why his heart broke every day, why he was so afraid of believing, why he still is; bright, vibrant, emotional, sarcastic, caring, alive Billy was nowhere to be found for a while, and it broke him apart so much...]

[Billy's arms tighten around him at that, pulling him impossibly closer, as close as they can be. His memories of that time were foggy at best- he remembers before, the pain of it, electricity coursing through his body, the sound of his own voice intermingling with Teddy's, and the last thing they shared was their screams. It had been awful, unbelievably so, and when darkness finally overwhelmed him, when his heart stopped, it had been, shamefully, a relief. That the pain would stop. That, if they were really trying to gauge his power levels by getting him angry, if he was out of the picture, they'd stop hurting Teddy. Wishful thinking perhaps, because they were awful monsters, because they were hurting Teddy just to hurt him, just like the warden, and he'd have died for nothing. But it's not like he'd been given a choice. After that...

...after that, the clearest memory he had was Teddy's voice right before they sliced through his wings.]

I know... I know. Me too... I thought I lost you... I thought they took you away from me...

[He knows this pain, this loneliness. Just because he'd expressed it in... god, the most unhealthy manner imaginable didn't mean that it affected him any less. The sight of Teddy in his lap, covered in blood and broken feathers, going cold... he'd stayed awake that week not only for the spell but because every time he closed his eyes that was all he could see. And Teddy... he'd felt the same thing.]

[Teddy's arms tighten as well, holding Billy with all he has, and that's just about the only thing he can thank this place for, that he can actually hug his boyfriend this tightly and not worry about the consequences. And he wants to be even closer, even though that's impossible, and he knows he's being ridiculous for thinking it. But he's missed him, he's missed him so, so much...

Teddy had spent a week completely alone in the darkness, wondering what they'd done to Billy, if he was even still alive out there. He couldn't imitate his voice without choking, remembering the last time he heard that voice, screaming in anger and, before that, in fear and desperation and pain. He hardly slept because of it. And when he came back, it wasn't to Billy, but to a force inside his head making him do awful things... created a replacement to be with him. And then he never truly saw him again until... until now.]

I thought I'd never see you again... Not like this...

[And finally... Billy's safe in his arms. They're both a little broken, and he knows they'll both need a lot of time to be like they were before. But they're here. Finally together, whole, and safe. This is the reality Teddy always wanted, one that was just out of his grasp because of that possession. And now...]

Edited 2013-11-06 08:01 (UTC)

Yeah...

[Billy doesn't really have an argument for that. There'd been several times during his possession - or whatever it was - where he himself had wondered if he'd ever come back from this, if he'd ever be himself again. He'd almost given up entirely because of it. And he knows what a mistake that had been- even now, with his guilt, and misery, and a quiet depression that he's sure is going to stick with him for a long time- even with all that, he wants to live. Needs it. Like the arms around his body, like the breath against his neck. Needs it.

Teddy... must have needed this for so long, too. That's why it's so important for him to be here, alive, safe, himself.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry I made you wait so long... I'd have come back sooner if I could.

[His hands shift, one rubbing over Teddy's back, the other stroking through his hair, trying to soothe him as best as he can.]

I won't ever leave again, though. I won't let this happen again. I can't... I can't put you through this anymore...

[Thank god, he wants to say. Thank god.

Instead, Teddy nods against his shoulder, the lump in his throat too constricting to speak with. He's still afraid, and he knows, deep down, that he'll still have body-image issues. It'll be a long time before he can look in the mirror and be okay with what he sees. But this is a good step in the right direction... And he hopes, hopes with all his heart that that day will happen. And that Billy won't ever relapse to that... possession during that time.

Finally, Teddy lifts his head away, but only to press their foreheads together. Now that Teddy mostly believes in this, he wants to see those eyes again. Brown and beautiful, the color of deep honey, and not a speck of blue. Those eyes that Teddy could lose himself in, could stare into for so long and never get tired of it. They're the same... those same ones he fell in love with so long ago. Two years, was it?

Knowing that his hold is probably uncomfortable even without super strength, Teddy loosens his grip just slightly, and he moves one hand up to stroke the back of Billy's neck, where the hairline ends. He'd refrained from touching him, too, unsure if he even wanted it. And... even now, Teddy still hesitates, and he's sure they won't be ready for deeply intimate touches for a while. But this... He's definitely okay with this.]

I'll need time... okay? Just like you do. I'm not going to be the same as I was before all this started... not for a while, at least. So just... wait for me?

A... are you kidding?

[He's not, of course not. And it's not even remotely a serious question. There's a sliver of a smile on Billy's lips, though, and his eyes are clear and just as brown as they were when he woke up, not even a hint of the blue that had overwhelmed them before. Like his mind, they've been purged clean of any taint, truly free.]

I'll wait. I'd wait forever for you. There's no one I'd rather be with than you...

[And you're worth waiting for.

Time is the least of what he'd give Teddy now.]

[Teddy lets out a shuddering breath; it's so wonderful to hear that, that there's no one else Billy would rather be with. It's one of the things Teddy had been so afraid of, that he'd done something to make Billy fall a little out of love with him, like some of those stories of married couples who fall so deeply in love, then slowly drift apart... and that Billy wanted someone else.

But here he is now, saying that he'd wait forever, that there's no one else he'd rather be with... And though there's a small part of Teddy that still doubts everything about this whole situation, there's still such a great sense of relief, like a worry that kept his heart in a vice grip finally loosened its hold.]

Yeah... me too. [He'd said it over and over, right? That he'd wait forever? That he loves him so much?

...

Teddy doesn't want to look away from Billy's eyes, but he still can't help glancing downward, feeling a few butterflies in his stomach when he thinks of what he wants to do. It's ridiculous, because they've kissed so many times before, but... it's been a month. And there've been so many doubts and fears and worries and...

And he still wants to kiss him so badly, just like how he wanted to hold him and having been unable to do so for so long...

So he hesitates, takes another glance, then tilts his head, eyes half shutting, and leans in, slowly enough so that Billy can pull back if he wants to. The thought of rejection makes the butterflies multiply twofold; it feels like a first kiss all over again.]

[He's leaning in. He's closing his eyes and leaning in and what is he- oh god-

Billy's gaze drops to Teddy's lips, eyes widening, and he sets free a surprised little "oh", so quiet it's almost inaudible. He knows what this means, he's seen it hundreds of times before, in all the time they've spent together. And he's scared- that it won't be what they're hoping for, that it'll be too different than how things used to be, that it'll just make them both realize that there's no going back from this. That... what happened can't be fixed.

But that's not the sort of belief that's going to get them through this, is it? Now, after enduring all of that... there's no room for doubts anymore. So with a shaky inhale, Billy closes his eyes and leans in to let his mouth meet Teddy's in the middle. To kiss.

....

He'd been right, in a sense. It's not the sort of kiss that they'd normally share, full of passion and heat and unbridled affection. They can't go back to that on the spot, even with the air mostly cleared between them. But it is, at the very least, three things: relieved, tender, and above all else, sincere.

There's no questioning that this, this, is the Teddy that Billy desires. And he doesn't want to hesitate anymore.]

[Teddy had been scared at first. He thought Billy would pull away, or it'd be a kiss full of restraint and sadness, nothing like what they used to have.

But when they kiss, he sees that there's nothing to worry about. He relaxes into the kiss and keeps Billy close, relishing in the intimacy of lips against each other. It's chaste; they're not quite at the point of wanting deep kisses yet, but the emotions behind it, the firm yet gentle pressure, the way they touch each other, all lead to one thing.

Love.

There were a lot of things that he'd been unsure of, and still is, but there's no mistaking that. It's something Teddy's missed for a month now, his need for affection and attention and love being severely depleted for so long. Here and now, with Teddy cupping the back of Billy's head and holding him close around the waist, he feels it more than ever.]

[He'd craved it, needed it so badly that pulling back is almost painful, but finally he does, breaking off the kiss before it becomes awkward or breathless. He remains close, though, resting his forehead against Teddy's, shakily exhaling and unable to stop smiling. He wants to treasure this, while he can. As soon as he leaves this place the guilt will come back in full-force, he'll have to face and meet with other people who might not be as forgiving as Teddy is. But... he has to potential to earn back the trust of his most important person. He has the support of some very close friends already. He still has to apologize, and try to make up for everything he's done somehow, but... he won't have to do it alone or unsupported.

Most importantly, Teddy loves him. Even now, after everything, Teddy still loves him.

And for the first time in a month he feels like... somehow, they'll be okay.]

[They'll be okay.

It's the first thing Teddy thinks of as he breathes with Billy, eyes shut, smiling and actually feeling it for the first time in a long while. He feels better than he has in all of his weeks of waiting, worrying, doubting, fearing. It's like a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long, and he relishes in it.

At least, he does until the smell of something burning floods his senses, and he opens his eyes and pulls his head back to look at where the pans are. And oh, hell, that is definitely smoke coming from the butter.]

Agh - [At least it was just a bit of butter. Still, he moves in to take it off of the burner and turn the stove off, a bit of a wince on his face. Man, this was supposed to be a good meal and everything...]

[Billy doesn't even notice the smell until Teddy moves, but when he does notice, he half-chokes, backing away from the stove with a hand over his mouth. Great job, Kaplan, you even managed to ruin breakfast, too. And in a way, this, too, is a comfort; the voice in his head, sarcastically scolding himself, sounds pretty damn normal, too. It's like he's finally found his equilibrium again, it just comes with an unhealthy portion of guilt and misery attached.

He did ruin breakfast, though. There's no way that they'll make breakfast in a timely fashion with a pot that wrecked.]

Oh geez... sorry. The bacon...

[...At least he didn't... burn the bacon...?

...Did he just think something positive? God, he really must be cured after all.]

No, it's fine...

[Teddy runs the pan under some cold water, not even wincing from the loud sizzling sound that came from it. That was another thing he noticed, too; his hearing wasn't the same as usual. Things sounded a bit like he had his hands held over his ears, and that was bizarre as everything else.

Once the pan seems to have calmed down and Teddy's tipped the water out, he turns the pan over a few times, examining the charred remains that have glued themselves to the bottom of the pan. But really, he's not even mad. He even gives a little smirk as he sets it on the stove top again.]

Well, whichever Malnosso person who's got cleaning duty's got a hell of a job to do. [... Maybe he's letting a bit of his newfound personal grudge seep through a little. Maybe.]

Good.

[It's out before he can really think about it, and once it's spoken aloud, Billy feels vaguely pleased to finally have something on the mind that doesn't make him feel guilty. They'd done horrible things to he and Teddy, and if the only way of getting back at them is to leave passive-aggressive inconveniences, well, so be it. It'll have to do for now.

For now.]

We still need breakfast, though... maybe we should get something from that plaza area...?

[As soon as the suggestion passes his lips, though, Billy regrets it. He... really doesn't want to leave the hotel. He doesn't even want to leave the room. The thought of going outside, potentially facing all the people he might have hurt?

Oh, hell.]

[The suggestion makes Teddy freeze up a little, too. The last thing Teddy wants to do is leave, because everyone is out there, because they'll see him and how awful he looks, and he'll wonder over and over how Billy could even gather up the nerve to kiss him like he did. And more importantly... What if he returns and finds Billy at the window again, his worst fears realized? Everything could go wrong both inside and outside the hotel room...

But looking at Billy, seeing the way he's reacting, and for once actually feeling sure of what Teddy's seeing... He doesn't have as much to lose as Billy does. So he glances away and purses his lips, because does he have to leave? He could cook, they could have toast, they... do need food, and they can't just keep surviving on toast, and...

Ugh.]

I... I'll go. You can stay here... I'll come back with food - breakfast and everything - for the us both.

[Billy hesitates, and he tries to conceal the relief that flooded into him at Teddy's suggestion - god, he tries - but he doubts he's able to hide it. He's always been an open book, and it's even harder than ever to conceal how he really feels around Teddy.

Dammit... and now he's gone and made Teddy do something for him again.]

A... are you sure...? I could...

[He trails off, as if knowing it's pointless. His reaction alone had been the deciding factor.

I have to do better than this...]

Edited 2013-11-07 09:52 (UTC)

[And indeed, his reaction is the deciding factor. It's easy to see how much Billy relaxed, even though he tried not to. Teddy's more resolved now, and so he nods, hiding his own discomfort over having to leave.]

I'm sure. I'll be back faster than the Flash. [... Although they both know he can't possibly do that. But before he leaves, he looks at Billy for a moment, then crosses to him in two strides, one hand on his shoulder and the other against his cheek.]

... You'll be okay here? [You won't let that thing possess you again? You won't be gone again...?]

[With this, he can be stronger. Billy nods without hesitating, lifting his hand to curl around Teddy's, smiling faintly and giving it a light squeeze.]

Yeah. I'll clean up a bit, get the place ready. Shower, maybe. I mean, I must be kind of rank, I don't know how you can stand to be near me...

[It's a weak attempt at a joke, to lighten the mood, and it doesn't really work; he knows what Teddy's really asking.]

...I'll be here when you get back.

[I'll be me.]

[At that - both the joke and the reassurance, Teddy feels a faint smile of his own come up, small and yet genuine. That's all he needed to hear, even if he knows he's going to worry as soon as he steps out that door. Still, right now... It's enough. It's enough to get him through the door.]

... You do kind of stink, if we're going to be honest here. [It's his own attempt at light-hearted poking, one that's followed by stroking Billy's cheekbone, then leaning in to give him a quick, chaste kiss.] I'll see you in a bit.

[And, knowing that staying here any longer will make Teddy's resolve falter and crumble, he forces himself away from Billy and walks away, taking the keys and locking the door behind him as he leaves. Force of habit, the fact that someone he loves is alone in there... Those keys are important to him right now.]

[The sound of the locked door should probably reassure him, a recognition that Teddy's still looking out for his safety - especially now that he's banned himself from using magic - but at the core it's a reminder of how he behaved not that long ago. A shell of his former self, a pathetic, needy person who could barely take care of himself, who didn't even really want to. How many times had Teddy left his room, or the apartment, locking the door behind him to keep people out- or better yet, to keep him in? More times than he can count.

Not this time, though. He can look after himself. He can leave if he wants. But he won't, because Teddy expects him to be here, just like he said.

Feeling lonesome and a bit lost now that Teddy's gone, he busies himself with what he said he'd do: clean up. The pot, he doesn't even try to sort out, just leaves it in the sink, but the food needs to go back into the fridge, so that's job one. Two is to get dishes and cutlery for the food Teddy's fetching, three is to make the beds - separate beds, and how awful is it that this is the first time he's noticed that they haven't shared a bed in a month? - and four will be to shower and shave.

He doesn't quite make it to four. In the middle of making Teddy's bed, tucking the sheets under the pillows, he finds the list.

The title immediately fills him with dread, and he sinks down onto the mattress, that feeling only getting worse and worse the further down the list that he gets. He doesn't even make it halfway before his vision starts to blur, and god, he's crying all over again, tears trailing down his cheeks and dripping onto the paper, smearing the ink. He doesn't stop reading, though. This is something he'd needed to see.

This... is how Teddy feels about himself.

This is how I made him feel.

Again. I made him feel like this again...

It's heartbreaking and terrifying, to realize how much weight his opinion held over Teddy's self-worth. To know that all of his words of encouragement, everything he ever told Teddy about loving him for himself, shifting or no shifting, everything he'd done to try and prove it to Teddy, had been swept under the rug with one immensely terrible mistake. This was his crime, the greatest one of all. Every single item on that list was a part of Teddy that Billy loved, and he'd made Teddy doubt them all.

God. God. And he thought they'd made it through the worst of it.

Still crying, shaking with guilt, he finds one of the spare hotel pens, and he writes, too. He scribbles and he rambles and he cries more tears than he thought he had left. Only when every single item is addressed, corrected, and agonized over does he finally find the strength to stand up, setting the tear-stained page on the bed and half-fleeing to the bathroom.

He... needs to not be here for a while. A shower is a good enough excuse to get him away for when Teddy comes back; he needs to muster the courage to face him again, shouldering the new-found weight of the damage he's done.]

[While Teddy's out, the overwhelming itch all over his body is back, and he can't help scratching at whatever feels the most uncomfortable as he walks and tries to figure out where everything is. He does his best to keep his head down, not willing to see or talk to anyone, lest he realizes that they're looking at him. Him and his dumb, ugly self. Who would want him, anyway? He's the quiet one, not nearly the attention-getter that Billy is. It makes sense, really... ha...

At one point as he looks through the clothes offered at the giftshop, he pushes his hand against the table too hard, and his nail bends back enough to bleed. He cringes, but expected it to heal in seconds... and it doesn't. Right... Instead, he grabs a box of band-aids and already takes one out to wrap around his thumb. First time he actually had a use for these things...

While he's there, he takes a forest green hoodie. It's easier, having the hood up and seeing the edge of the fabric above his vision, knowing that he'll be less recognizable like this. At least now he feels like he isn't on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Finally, he does grab some food, enough to last them for a couple of days, ranging from ingredients for an actual meal when they're feeling like responsible and healthy adults to ramen when they're feeling like lazy and unhealthy teenage boys. That's about all he needs, so he heads back, his steps gaining in speed the closer he gets.

But when he's there, he stops, hand in his pocket and feeling the keys as he stares at the door. Billy had told him that he'd be here, and Teddy knew what he meant by it, but what if... what if Billy has no control over it? What if it comes back even with him resisting it? What if he walks in and finds the love of his life at the window again, blue in his eyes and watching the world go by?

What if he isn't? Are you going to keep running from this?

...

With a deep breath, Teddy unlocks the door and heads inside. The shower is going... so Billy actually is taking a shower. That's a good sign... Really good, actually. Before this, Teddy'd have to poke and bully at Billy to take care of himself like this. Now, he did it all on his own... That's so good to hear.

He puts the food away, then goes to the bedroom to pull his hoodie off, and he's got his hands at the edges of it when he sees the paper on his bed. Crumpled, stained, and with writing so fami -

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no no, did Billy see it? Teddy had forgotten - That list he made, the one that listed every single flaw that Teddy saw, everything that made him cringe every time he looked in the mirror. This was the last thing he wanted Billy to see, knowing that Billy had tried so hard to fix his view of himself. And he did, he did, but so many days of doubting himself and his looks and his personality, and he'd just... fallen back into his old ways. And Teddy knows just as well that he isn't out of those woods yet, not by a long shot.

He's tempted to leave. Billy doesn't know he's here, so he could just - get out, not come back for a while, not see the look on Billy's face. But... there's more writing on there. Writing Teddy didn't leave when he was writing everything down, when he angrily scribbled out the rest. Part of him doesn't want to see it, afraid of what he'll find. But curiosity is getting the better of him. So he walks further in, leaving his hoodie alone, and sinks down in the mattress, then slowly reaches out to take the paper and read it for himself.

...

He doesn't even get to the second line when his own vision blurs, for so many reasons. This list is... Billy'd actually gone through and wrote on every single one, writing everything he loved about Teddy. Never once calling him out on it, showing disappointment for forgetting everything he told Teddy, or calling him an idiot like Teddy is doing to himself. They're all compliments, sincere and genuine, and he can just hear Billy's voice in his words. And the tears on the paper... God, he did that. He and his stupid list made Billy cry again, and hard, even the number of drops on the paper have anything to say about it.

Teddy wants to stop. But no, he... he needs to keep reading. This is important, probably one of the most important things he'll ever read.

And when he's done, he bends over to rest his forehead against his knee, one hand on the back of his head, the other on his neck, while he lets the tears fall. New from the thoughts and worries he had over the past month, and old from his past self, the one who shifted and changed every day to meet what everyone else liked and wanted. It's so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely breathe, only taking in shuddering breaths and letting them out in quiet sobs. This is the one thing that will always haunt him, the fact that his own body could be so much better than it is, and that so many people know it. It's not just other people can pick out his flaws - No, it's he himself who's his own worst enemy. And just when he was feeling comfortable and proud in his own skin, the one who made him feel that way showed him a replacement whom he seemed to prefer, and Teddy's confidence had shattered.

It feels like he's slowly picking up the pieces between his sobs. Not putting them together, but just holding them in his arms, unsure where to start, but wanting to. He just... needs to figure out how. And when he does, he - maybe he'll -

Maybe he'll look at himself the way the list - the revamped list describes him. But right now? He just holds the pieces of himself and cries, for his past and his present.]

[It takes a long while for Billy to build up the strength to come out again, even after his shower; he'd had his fill of crying beneath the running water, scrubbed his skin almost raw as if the experience left him feeling unclean, as if he could rub the sins and the memories right out of him. It didn't work, obviously, and afterwards, staring at himself in the mirror, all he can see is what a far cry he is from the person he'd been before all of this started. He'd been stronger, more confident, nowhere near as pale and thin. The scrubbing had brought some colour back into his skin, but it's in uneven patches, temporary and sensitive. He wonders if this is how Teddy feels, scratching at his skin like that, though for a very different reason. It's... not a nice feeling.

He delays his exit a little longer by shaving off his morning stubble, drying off, and getting dressed into some clean clothes, fixing his hair with the slick dampness of it acting almost like the gel he'd used before, in the style Teddy had liked so much. It's a poor replica, but it'll do. Certainly better than the unkempt mess he'd been all month. Looking at himself after he finishes, he almost feels... presentable.

The door is his next enemy. It takes a lot of building up his courage, but finally, finally, he braces himself for what he might find - if Teddy's back, if he found the note - and steps through, worried about what he might find.]

Teddy...?

[Teddy hears the voice, and in that moment, he wanted so badly to shift. To make himself stop crying like always, because it's easy, it's always so easy. But again, he just... can't. Nothing he does works, and he hates himself for it, hates this place for taking way such a key part of himself.

Instead, he sits up, one hand clasped tightly over his mouth, and tries to find his voice. It's hard when his throat is clogged, when tears still turn down his face as he reads the note at his feet over and over. But he tries, and so his voices comes out in something like a watery croak (which must've sounded so unattractive, god).]

Billy...?

[It's the sound of Teddy's voice that ultimately does it for him; with a faint, pained exhale, Billy closes the distance between them, sinking down onto the bed beside Teddy and winding his arms around the blond, trying to draw him close.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have- I should've waited, I should've talked to you... I'm so sorry...

[Teddy doesn't resist the pull, far too tired of being the emotional support, the strength and the pillar. This hit way too close to home, an issue that caused him so much grief and insecurity for years now. He can't fight against this. Yes, he's usually better than this, but after all everything?

So he leans against Billy instead, head down and turned toward his chest to hide whatever his face might look like.]

I'm sorry... I should've thrown it away.

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28th~ holy tl;dr batman

28th~ thank you for the novel sob

28th~ it just got out of control sob

28th~ aaaaaa ;~;

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