lucetilogs | Event Log - Malnosso World

[Teddy was just about to apologize and leave when Billy spoke up, instead making him grip the sleeves of his shirt and grit his teeth. He feels like such a jerk right now... even if he finally, finally let everything out. And this - this is a better explanation than just saying he was crazy and that was it. Even if it hurts to hear his doubts presented this way, because he knows, he knows it's better to believe, he knows that thinking otherwise is ridiculous and idiotic. But...]

I did believe it. But - three, four weeks is a long time, Billy... It felt like I lost my hold on everything I believed in with every day after that, even though I tried to hold it with both hands, because -

[Because it's about the thing he believes in the most. It's all he has. And isn't that worth fighting for? And he'd fought, he just... lost, slowly.]

I thought - I still think - that it was all me. Maybe - I don't know, I did something along the way. Showed some side of myself that you didn't like... Was it because I fought with you sometimes? I know we disagreed on some things, but I thought we always worked it all out... Maybe my stupid jokes got too stupid? I know you get exasperated... I kept thinking about it, you know how much I think, and I just wasn't... getting any answers. I've spent my whole life changing for people... [There are tears that trickle down his cheeks, not that Billy can see it, with Teddy's back turned to him.] I just thought...

I know... I know. I don't blame you for... thinking that. It's why I'm trying, you know? It's why I want you to know the truth now. And- and if I have to keep on convincing you, if I have to prove it to you, I will. Every day. I'd do it in a heartbeat. You're worth it. You're worth fighting for. Just you- no shifts, no changes, nothing but what's real.

[He wants - needs Teddy to face him, but he won't force it yet. Teddy waited with him. Teddy kept trying. He can do that, too. It's the least he can do.]

Teddy... that thing I made wasn't you. And it wasn't perfect. It was... empty. It followed me around like a dog and I- I thought it was better than not having you at all but... I was wrong. That thing in my head made everything all wrong. And you... after what I did, what I let it do to you, you still... you saved me. It wouldn't have done that.

[His hands tighten again, resisting the urge to reach out to Teddy. He'd pulled away, he'd resisted, he's not done, he has to fix this... and then...

I just want to hold you again, like before... can we still go back...?]

That's how I knew it was you. The real you. Any fake that I created? It would never have done that. Taken a hit for me. Saved my life. You won... you brought me back... by being you. The you that... I love. That I've always loved.

[Teddy wants to stop crying. It's usually so easy, stopping himself. But with his shifting gone, there's nothing he can do about it. No matter how much he tries, nothing is getting easier. All he can do is press his hands to his eyes and feel that lump in his throat get heavier and heavier, despite any attempt otherwise.]

So - If... If I died for real, or... or left, would you... replace me again?

I wouldn’t. Not ever.

[He hates that he has to answer that. He hates that he has to think about Teddy dying- a thought that makes him seize up inside, shaking with terror and that awful, awful memory he’d carry the rest of his life.]

I-if you died… I’d go to hell and back to find you again, if I had to. You, the real you. And… and if you left me…

[He doesn’t… want to think about that, either. But with everything that’s happened… it’s a very real possibility, isn’t it…]

If you left, I’d… understand. [Especially now.] I’d accept it… if it’s what you chose.

[I'd hate it, I'd cry, I'd be ruined for life.

But I'd accept it. Because it's guaranteed that it would be my fault...]

[Teddy stays silent for a long moment after that, hands slowly lowering to hold his upper arms instead. A long moment of thought, of letting everything sink in and letting his anger from earlier fizzle out completely.

Then he lets out a watery chuckle, a small, helpless smile on his face.]

You think I'd go to hell? Wow, Billy...

[Billy hesitates at that - he's not sure if Teddy's joking because he feels bad and doesn't want to argue, or if he's sincere about it. And he truly, desperately is hoping for the latter, but he wonders if it's too soon to hope.

He wants it, though. God, he wants it. And it... can't hurt to believe in Teddy, can it? The way he wants Teddy to believe in him...?

And so, after a moment, he tentatively responds.]

...Well, obviously... you're not Jewish.

[Not. That Judaism even has the same version of hell that contemporary- you know what, nevermind. He's trying, here.]

Ha... I see...

[Teddy takes in a deep, sharp, shaky breath, an automatic action. And he can't help but wonder... Billy still seems like himself, even after such a difficult talk. He even joked a little, like Teddy. And he never talked about leaving Teddy, or dying, or anything like that. Just gave a rational answer and said that he'd stay by him, keep trying, keep waiting until Teddy believed. That isn't an answer Billy would've given just yesterday.

His head turns, though he doesn't quite face Billy yet.]

It's... really you, isn't it?

[Billy inhales sharply at that, the sound faint but audible. He takes a step forward, wanting to close the distance between them, but too afraid to make any real contact until Teddy indicates that it's okay. He could still leave. He could make that choice. Billy had all but opened the door for him, so now all he can do is wait and see what Teddy decides.

But... for him to ask that... it means he's giving it some thought, doesn't it...?]

...Yeah. It's really me. I promise...

[How many times has Billy promised something over the past few weeks, only to break it horribly? I won't use magic, only to bring his mother back and yank her away. I won't leave you, when he talked so seriously about leaving and being put in the tunnels soon after that. It was like Billy didn't understand what those promises meant, and what the breaking of them meant.

But it feels... real, this time. With Teddy really, truly starting to believe that Billy's back, and feeling that hope bloom in his chest again, and this time, he doesn't push it back down. He's terrified of it, he's so afraid of letting it stay there and settle, only to have it shatter again. He isn't sure if he can take that again, and he's been trying so hard to protect himself this whole time...

But maybe it's okay...

It feels different.

So, finally, Teddy turns to face Billy, and just when he thought his tears had stopped, they fall again, this time for a different reason. It's not anger, it's not depression, it's not guilt. It's relief. And maybe some lingering fear. But the most prominent one is also more important, and - God, he wants to touch him, take him in his arms and not let go, but he can't get his legs to move. It's like they're paralyzed by that fear that still remains. Instead, his eyes stay wide, and he doesn't even try to wipe the tears that fall from them away. One hand hovers near his mouth, trembling, just like the rest of him.

Did Billy finally come back...? Is it really him? The person he loves so much, snatched - stolen from him and warped so much that only a shell of him remained... Is he finally back?]

Oh... Oh my god, Billy...

[....Well.

There goes his self-control.

A muffled, pained noise escapes Billy's lips, and he moves, closing the distance between them in two long strides. He lifts his hands to touch Teddy's face, risking a rejection because he can't, he can't just stand there and watch him cry like this. He wipes at Teddy's tears, fingers brushing over his cheeks, then tries to draw him into a gentle but insistent hug, something he's been aching to do since even before the fight. His heart is pounding, and he's crying now, too; he's so afraid of what Teddy might do, but... they both need this, he's certain of it. Otherwise they'll just keep hurting, and as a result, hurt one another.

We can't do this alone anymore. Not him, or me... that's not how we're supposed to be.

This is reality. And it's the only reality I could ever need.]

I know... I know. I'm sorry... I'm right here.

[The moment Teddy feels Billy's fingers against his cheeks, he squeezes his eyes shut and takes in a hiccup of a breath, feeling the tears fall even faster. Billy never really did this when he cried during his possession - he'd stroke his hair and try to hold him, but it wasn't like this. He didn't cry with him or brush away his tears or try to pull him into an embrace like this one, and because of that, Teddy lets himself lean into it, head pressed to Billy's shoulder, and winds his arms tightly around him.

He's been wanting to hold Billy like this for an entire month now, and yet he never could. The first week was because he wasn't there. The second week, Billy was unconscious, and hugging him like this would've just aggravated his injuries. The rest... there was no relief there. No lingering fear, no joy. It was love, but for Teddy is was restrained and hesitant, and for Billy it was warped and distant. And now...

Oh god, oh god, he's missed him so much, he - he hadn't really seen him since they... since...]

They killed you. [It's muffled against Billy's shoulder, and it makes a shudder pass through Teddy's shoulders, tension and fear and dread in his chest as he remembers that horrible moment.] For a while, I thought... I thought you were still... I thought they...

[He'd thought that because of this, they really did kill the love of his life for good. It's why his heart broke every day, why he was so afraid of believing, why he still is; bright, vibrant, emotional, sarcastic, caring, alive Billy was nowhere to be found for a while, and it broke him apart so much...]

[Billy's arms tighten around him at that, pulling him impossibly closer, as close as they can be. His memories of that time were foggy at best- he remembers before, the pain of it, electricity coursing through his body, the sound of his own voice intermingling with Teddy's, and the last thing they shared was their screams. It had been awful, unbelievably so, and when darkness finally overwhelmed him, when his heart stopped, it had been, shamefully, a relief. That the pain would stop. That, if they were really trying to gauge his power levels by getting him angry, if he was out of the picture, they'd stop hurting Teddy. Wishful thinking perhaps, because they were awful monsters, because they were hurting Teddy just to hurt him, just like the warden, and he'd have died for nothing. But it's not like he'd been given a choice. After that...

...after that, the clearest memory he had was Teddy's voice right before they sliced through his wings.]

I know... I know. Me too... I thought I lost you... I thought they took you away from me...

[He knows this pain, this loneliness. Just because he'd expressed it in... god, the most unhealthy manner imaginable didn't mean that it affected him any less. The sight of Teddy in his lap, covered in blood and broken feathers, going cold... he'd stayed awake that week not only for the spell but because every time he closed his eyes that was all he could see. And Teddy... he'd felt the same thing.]

[Teddy's arms tighten as well, holding Billy with all he has, and that's just about the only thing he can thank this place for, that he can actually hug his boyfriend this tightly and not worry about the consequences. And he wants to be even closer, even though that's impossible, and he knows he's being ridiculous for thinking it. But he's missed him, he's missed him so, so much...

Teddy had spent a week completely alone in the darkness, wondering what they'd done to Billy, if he was even still alive out there. He couldn't imitate his voice without choking, remembering the last time he heard that voice, screaming in anger and, before that, in fear and desperation and pain. He hardly slept because of it. And when he came back, it wasn't to Billy, but to a force inside his head making him do awful things... created a replacement to be with him. And then he never truly saw him again until... until now.]

I thought I'd never see you again... Not like this...

[And finally... Billy's safe in his arms. They're both a little broken, and he knows they'll both need a lot of time to be like they were before. But they're here. Finally together, whole, and safe. This is the reality Teddy always wanted, one that was just out of his grasp because of that possession. And now...]

Edited 2013-11-06 08:01 (UTC)

Yeah...

[Billy doesn't really have an argument for that. There'd been several times during his possession - or whatever it was - where he himself had wondered if he'd ever come back from this, if he'd ever be himself again. He'd almost given up entirely because of it. And he knows what a mistake that had been- even now, with his guilt, and misery, and a quiet depression that he's sure is going to stick with him for a long time- even with all that, he wants to live. Needs it. Like the arms around his body, like the breath against his neck. Needs it.

Teddy... must have needed this for so long, too. That's why it's so important for him to be here, alive, safe, himself.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry I made you wait so long... I'd have come back sooner if I could.

[His hands shift, one rubbing over Teddy's back, the other stroking through his hair, trying to soothe him as best as he can.]

I won't ever leave again, though. I won't let this happen again. I can't... I can't put you through this anymore...

[Thank god, he wants to say. Thank god.

Instead, Teddy nods against his shoulder, the lump in his throat too constricting to speak with. He's still afraid, and he knows, deep down, that he'll still have body-image issues. It'll be a long time before he can look in the mirror and be okay with what he sees. But this is a good step in the right direction... And he hopes, hopes with all his heart that that day will happen. And that Billy won't ever relapse to that... possession during that time.

Finally, Teddy lifts his head away, but only to press their foreheads together. Now that Teddy mostly believes in this, he wants to see those eyes again. Brown and beautiful, the color of deep honey, and not a speck of blue. Those eyes that Teddy could lose himself in, could stare into for so long and never get tired of it. They're the same... those same ones he fell in love with so long ago. Two years, was it?

Knowing that his hold is probably uncomfortable even without super strength, Teddy loosens his grip just slightly, and he moves one hand up to stroke the back of Billy's neck, where the hairline ends. He'd refrained from touching him, too, unsure if he even wanted it. And... even now, Teddy still hesitates, and he's sure they won't be ready for deeply intimate touches for a while. But this... He's definitely okay with this.]

I'll need time... okay? Just like you do. I'm not going to be the same as I was before all this started... not for a while, at least. So just... wait for me?

A... are you kidding?

[He's not, of course not. And it's not even remotely a serious question. There's a sliver of a smile on Billy's lips, though, and his eyes are clear and just as brown as they were when he woke up, not even a hint of the blue that had overwhelmed them before. Like his mind, they've been purged clean of any taint, truly free.]

I'll wait. I'd wait forever for you. There's no one I'd rather be with than you...

[And you're worth waiting for.

Time is the least of what he'd give Teddy now.]

[Teddy lets out a shuddering breath; it's so wonderful to hear that, that there's no one else Billy would rather be with. It's one of the things Teddy had been so afraid of, that he'd done something to make Billy fall a little out of love with him, like some of those stories of married couples who fall so deeply in love, then slowly drift apart... and that Billy wanted someone else.

But here he is now, saying that he'd wait forever, that there's no one else he'd rather be with... And though there's a small part of Teddy that still doubts everything about this whole situation, there's still such a great sense of relief, like a worry that kept his heart in a vice grip finally loosened its hold.]

Yeah... me too. [He'd said it over and over, right? That he'd wait forever? That he loves him so much?

...

Teddy doesn't want to look away from Billy's eyes, but he still can't help glancing downward, feeling a few butterflies in his stomach when he thinks of what he wants to do. It's ridiculous, because they've kissed so many times before, but... it's been a month. And there've been so many doubts and fears and worries and...

And he still wants to kiss him so badly, just like how he wanted to hold him and having been unable to do so for so long...

So he hesitates, takes another glance, then tilts his head, eyes half shutting, and leans in, slowly enough so that Billy can pull back if he wants to. The thought of rejection makes the butterflies multiply twofold; it feels like a first kiss all over again.]

[He's leaning in. He's closing his eyes and leaning in and what is he- oh god-

Billy's gaze drops to Teddy's lips, eyes widening, and he sets free a surprised little "oh", so quiet it's almost inaudible. He knows what this means, he's seen it hundreds of times before, in all the time they've spent together. And he's scared- that it won't be what they're hoping for, that it'll be too different than how things used to be, that it'll just make them both realize that there's no going back from this. That... what happened can't be fixed.

But that's not the sort of belief that's going to get them through this, is it? Now, after enduring all of that... there's no room for doubts anymore. So with a shaky inhale, Billy closes his eyes and leans in to let his mouth meet Teddy's in the middle. To kiss.

....

He'd been right, in a sense. It's not the sort of kiss that they'd normally share, full of passion and heat and unbridled affection. They can't go back to that on the spot, even with the air mostly cleared between them. But it is, at the very least, three things: relieved, tender, and above all else, sincere.

There's no questioning that this, this, is the Teddy that Billy desires. And he doesn't want to hesitate anymore.]

[Teddy had been scared at first. He thought Billy would pull away, or it'd be a kiss full of restraint and sadness, nothing like what they used to have.

But when they kiss, he sees that there's nothing to worry about. He relaxes into the kiss and keeps Billy close, relishing in the intimacy of lips against each other. It's chaste; they're not quite at the point of wanting deep kisses yet, but the emotions behind it, the firm yet gentle pressure, the way they touch each other, all lead to one thing.

Love.

There were a lot of things that he'd been unsure of, and still is, but there's no mistaking that. It's something Teddy's missed for a month now, his need for affection and attention and love being severely depleted for so long. Here and now, with Teddy cupping the back of Billy's head and holding him close around the waist, he feels it more than ever.]

[He'd craved it, needed it so badly that pulling back is almost painful, but finally he does, breaking off the kiss before it becomes awkward or breathless. He remains close, though, resting his forehead against Teddy's, shakily exhaling and unable to stop smiling. He wants to treasure this, while he can. As soon as he leaves this place the guilt will come back in full-force, he'll have to face and meet with other people who might not be as forgiving as Teddy is. But... he has to potential to earn back the trust of his most important person. He has the support of some very close friends already. He still has to apologize, and try to make up for everything he's done somehow, but... he won't have to do it alone or unsupported.

Most importantly, Teddy loves him. Even now, after everything, Teddy still loves him.

And for the first time in a month he feels like... somehow, they'll be okay.]

[They'll be okay.

It's the first thing Teddy thinks of as he breathes with Billy, eyes shut, smiling and actually feeling it for the first time in a long while. He feels better than he has in all of his weeks of waiting, worrying, doubting, fearing. It's like a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long, and he relishes in it.

At least, he does until the smell of something burning floods his senses, and he opens his eyes and pulls his head back to look at where the pans are. And oh, hell, that is definitely smoke coming from the butter.]

Agh - [At least it was just a bit of butter. Still, he moves in to take it off of the burner and turn the stove off, a bit of a wince on his face. Man, this was supposed to be a good meal and everything...]

[Billy doesn't even notice the smell until Teddy moves, but when he does notice, he half-chokes, backing away from the stove with a hand over his mouth. Great job, Kaplan, you even managed to ruin breakfast, too. And in a way, this, too, is a comfort; the voice in his head, sarcastically scolding himself, sounds pretty damn normal, too. It's like he's finally found his equilibrium again, it just comes with an unhealthy portion of guilt and misery attached.

He did ruin breakfast, though. There's no way that they'll make breakfast in a timely fashion with a pot that wrecked.]

Oh geez... sorry. The bacon...

[...At least he didn't... burn the bacon...?

...Did he just think something positive? God, he really must be cured after all.]

No, it's fine...

[Teddy runs the pan under some cold water, not even wincing from the loud sizzling sound that came from it. That was another thing he noticed, too; his hearing wasn't the same as usual. Things sounded a bit like he had his hands held over his ears, and that was bizarre as everything else.

Once the pan seems to have calmed down and Teddy's tipped the water out, he turns the pan over a few times, examining the charred remains that have glued themselves to the bottom of the pan. But really, he's not even mad. He even gives a little smirk as he sets it on the stove top again.]

Well, whichever Malnosso person who's got cleaning duty's got a hell of a job to do. [... Maybe he's letting a bit of his newfound personal grudge seep through a little. Maybe.]

Good.

[It's out before he can really think about it, and once it's spoken aloud, Billy feels vaguely pleased to finally have something on the mind that doesn't make him feel guilty. They'd done horrible things to he and Teddy, and if the only way of getting back at them is to leave passive-aggressive inconveniences, well, so be it. It'll have to do for now.

For now.]

We still need breakfast, though... maybe we should get something from that plaza area...?

[As soon as the suggestion passes his lips, though, Billy regrets it. He... really doesn't want to leave the hotel. He doesn't even want to leave the room. The thought of going outside, potentially facing all the people he might have hurt?

Oh, hell.]

[The suggestion makes Teddy freeze up a little, too. The last thing Teddy wants to do is leave, because everyone is out there, because they'll see him and how awful he looks, and he'll wonder over and over how Billy could even gather up the nerve to kiss him like he did. And more importantly... What if he returns and finds Billy at the window again, his worst fears realized? Everything could go wrong both inside and outside the hotel room...

But looking at Billy, seeing the way he's reacting, and for once actually feeling sure of what Teddy's seeing... He doesn't have as much to lose as Billy does. So he glances away and purses his lips, because does he have to leave? He could cook, they could have toast, they... do need food, and they can't just keep surviving on toast, and...

Ugh.]

I... I'll go. You can stay here... I'll come back with food - breakfast and everything - for the us both.

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~

28th~