lucetilogs | Event Log - Malnosso World

[That persistent feeling of "you screwed up" isn't going away any time soon, so after another long pause he forces himself off the bed, shuffling to where Teddy's already at work. He'd noticed more of the scratching, and it worries him, so he's glad that at least Teddy has something else to keep his hands busy. Not that it makes it okay.

None of this is okay.

Still your fault.

He grits his teeth, forces himself to relax, and... god, this is hard. But he tries to be calm for Teddy's sake, show some semblance of how he should be, how he used to be. He's not a shapeshifter, but he used to have to pretend that everything was okay with his parents when he came home with bruises and blood under his clothes. He's not a complete novice.

He's just not used to hiding with Teddy, that's all. He's... the one person Billy never thought he'd have to hide around.]

...Can... I help?

[Teddy glances at Billy, and just from that, and the sound of his voice, he can tell that Billy's trying to hide how distressed he feels. Billy might not be a novice, but Teddy's been picking apart emotions and expressions and tones his whole life. Even if he's doubting what he picks up... He can't help but feel that this is so, so clear to him.

He looks down at what he's gotten out again - a pan, some butter, a carton of eggs that's still in his hand. And even though he can't shift, he can still act, so when Teddy looks at Billy again, he has a smile on his face, despite not feeling an ounce of it.]

Sure. Could you get the bacon out? It's probably in the fridge somewhere.

[Teddy's smiling...

....

He wishes he could believe it was genuine. He really, truly does. He's so good at hiding it, even without his shifting. And it's not that Billy can't believe his acting, he just... it's too soon. There's not a chance in hell that he could have gotten over his anger and his pain that quickly, especially without actually resolving a damn thing.

But Teddy wants to be happy, so... Billy can try, can't he? He can try and smile and give Teddy a good breakfast and... maybe they can talk after. When they've both calmed down, when they're both more awake and used to the fact that Billy's acting like himself again. More or less. Guilt aside, really.

So he smiles back... sort of. It's an attempt. He nods, crouches down to the mini-fridge and digs out the bacon - mercifully the fridge came stocked with holiday essentials, and non-expired at that - and sets it on the counter, fetching a pair of scissors to get the package open. He can help! He can be useful! He can smile while he does it!

He just wishes this whole thing didn't feel more fake than his time spent with the goddamn doppleganger. At least there, he knew what was a lie.]

Okay... looks like there's enough here for us.

[Isn't that what Teddy wanted in the first place? To be what Billy wanted, which was the fake? If he's acting like this, then... it's right.

Even though it feels so wrong. But he's used to acting fine when everything else feels wrong. That's how he survived those earlier years, especially when Greg was still a friend.

So he widens his smile once he sees the bacon, and he takes a step to the side to dig out another pan.]

Good. The next part's easy: see the butter? Just put that in the pan and tilt the pan around as it heats up. Get the butter to spread on the bottom of it.

[He wants to joke. "You can get by without burning butter, right?"

But the fake wouldn't do that, would he...]

That doesn't sound too hard...

[Normal, so very normal. Nevermind the slight tremble in his voice, nevermind the way Teddy's pretending that nothing is wrong, that they weren't on the edge of a fight a minute ago, nevermind that he wants to throw the goddamn pan on the floor and scream his frustration to the empty sky. They're cooking Malnosso bacon in a Malnosso hotel that's part of a Malnosso theme park when the Malnosso caused all of this and it makes him physically ill to think about smiling for even a second longer. And Teddy's smiling even more brightly, but it just makes him feel worse, like the longer they keep lying this way, the deeper down the hole they'll bury themselves.

Is he still trying to make Teddy happy with a bunch of lies? Whether it's magic, or just faking it... he's still making the same mistakes, isn't he? Only this time, he's letting Teddy choose the form of the lie. Just like the others he'd cast a spell on.

He'll hate you, too. If you let it go on too long. He'll hate you, and... it'll be over.]

Nope. ["Even you can do it."] Once it's melted, just crack the eggs into it. I'll take care of the cooking part.

[He'd glanced at Billy when his voice trembled, but - this is the way it should be, right? This is how Teddy should act. This is what he needs to be. The perfect boyfriend. The one who can agree to anything, who can smile at will, be a support when Billy needs it, be - be whatever he needs him to be.

... His smiles softens a bit, though he's determined to keep it up despite all the thoughts in his head. He'd thought for sure that Billy never wanted him to change. Then Teddy came back, and even with clear evidence that it was really him, still alive or back from the dead or whatever, Billy still chose the fake over him. Still preferred him. Still thought that it'd be better if Teddy was gone for good.

That's why he needs to be like this. If he's himself, then... the best thing that ever happened to him will be over...]

[Billy falls into silence for a while, absently prodding the melting butter around in the pan as it heats up, waiting for it to be ready. It really isn't that hard. It's mindless work, really. So mindless that his thoughts keep wandering back to the same damn issue, over and over.

How he's smiling too much, how he's acting like everything's fine when it's not, how he's... he's faking and Teddy should never fake it with him...

I told him off for this, last time. Before we started dating. I fought with him and I pulled him aside and I told him that he could be himself with me. And then he was, and... that's what was perfect...

....

I can't do this. I can't. I can't do it anymore.

I'm losing him. I'm losing him and it's my fault.

I can't lose him...!

The tears fall, unbidden, and he stops fighting them. It isn't perfect. Not at all. He has to make Teddy understand that somehow.]

...stop...

Edited 2013-11-05 07:38 (UTC)

Stop?

["What, you don't want eggs and bacon?" is what he's about to ask. The thought is pushed out of his mind when he sees the tears on Billy's face, and as much as he feels like he needs to push himself away, be the person Billy wanted... He can't fake this. Billy's crying and Teddy can't possibly adopt a fake persona when his boyfriend is shedding tears and -

The smile drops completely, and he forgets about his own pan starting to heat up, instead reaching out to touch Billy's shoulder, his other hand hovering near his chest as if he wants to touch him there, but wondering if that's too intimate, too much for him.]

Billy? Billy... [He moves his hand up further, to brush against his hair, then his cheekbone, catching a few of the tears.] Hey... What is it, what did you mean...?

Stop...!

[Billy shoves the spatula away abruptly and reaches up to grab Teddy's wrist, not quite pulling him away, but not letting him keep stroking or brushing or whatever Teddy wants to do in order to comfort him, either. He doesn't need comfort anymore. It's nice, sure, he loves it, he craves it, but it's not important. It can wait. It can wait until it's mutual, until Teddy gets the comfort and reassurance that he's needed for weeks now.

It wouldn't be right to accept more of it, selfishly, while Teddy is living with such an awful wound in his confidence and self-worth.

This needs to stop.]

Please... please stop it... stop pretending... this isn't you...!

[He releases Teddy's hand, lifting his own to grip Teddy's shoulders, leaning up to look him in the eyes.]

I know what you're trying to do. And I know why you're doing it. But you don't have to. You shouldn't. I'm back. I came back. You brought me back. But it isn't worth it if... if you don't come back, too...

[Teddy recognizes this. He remembers being in an alleyway, taller than this and more chiseled, hair done in a way that had been in magazines everywhere. Billy with his hands on his shoulders and looking up at him with a fierceness that both scared him and made him crush a little harder on him.

It's not so different, is it?

But Teddy doesn't feel those things right now. He feels a bit of anger coil again; he shouldn't? He nearly died for not doing so. The thought makes him turn his head away, shoulder twitching from the stretch it makes, and he wishes he could look neutral, but he's feeling the scowl start to creep in instead, and he lets his hands hang at his side instead of hovering near Billy.]

Why?

[If he could pick out his own tone, he would compare it to the time Billy asked him the very same thing after Teddy told him he wasn't leaving him.]

[Why. Why. Again, it kills him that Teddy feels like he has to ask that. It kills him that Billy drove him into this corner. But it makes him all the more determined to drag him out again. He'll do it over and over if he has to.

Teddy's worth it. Teddy's worth everything.

He reaches out to touch Teddy's face, trying to meet his eyes again. He needs to see Teddy's face, needs to let it be a focus. Needs to let it be real, because it's always the face he's wanted. Nothing else. His expressions, emotions, thoughts and words and- and- everything-]

Why? Because I was wrong. What I did- what I said- it's wrong. Every word. This isn't... this isn't the Teddy I love. Always smiling and supportive and melding to fit what I need all the time- it's just as wrong as that fake, that thing I created because I was too pathetic and weak to wait for you!

[He's trembling now, fighting for the words, desperately trying to find the right thing to say. But there is no right thing- there's only the truth, and the words his heart's been screaming to say since he woke up. This... this one thing... he's allowed to want this, isn't he...?]

Teddy- Teddy, don't ever change who you are for someone else. Not even me. No- especially me. I'm not other people. I'm not- I'm not Greg. I screwed up, I know that now. I screwed up! I hurt you! So... get mad! Get upset! Be a person again, not... not whatever you think I need to feel better! I need you!

... You need me?

[Teddy feels it now, that anger in the pit of his stomach, and he could feel it curling tighter and tighter until it springs loose right there. His hands turn to fists at his sides, and he finally looks at Billy and - and even seeing him there doesn't make that anger fade. It's like spitting in the face of everything he worried about and doubted and feared and he just can't accept something like I was crazy.]

You want me to get mad? Fine! I'll be a person, or whatever you want me to be! [He pushes Billy's hands away from his shoulders and turns his back, walking away a few steps. He needs some distance, some space.] I would've changed for you! You know I would have! But no, you had to create something perfect for you. So perfect that it'd be better if I was gone. You remember saying that? It's better this way.

[He turns again, unable to keep just how livid he feels down.] Did you really think it was okay to do that while I was gone?! Did you think I'd come back a week later and be okay with - with me being replaced by some other guy who looks like me?! What, if I actually died, am I supposed to expect you to make some other me as soon as I'm gone? Someone who's so much better than me that I'm better off dead than alive?! How can you just say I was crazy and expect me to accept that?!

[....

Well.

He'd asked for it, hadn't he? And now that he has it, now that it's out in the open and spoken aloud, now that he knows...

It hurts more than he thought it would. But... it's still not as bad as what he deserves. He listens quietly, one hand lifting to press tightly over his mouth- to shut down any protests, to conceal any noises he might have made, to muffle the hitch in his breath at Teddy's words.

It hurts, but this is just the beginning, he knows. And he has to hear it all before he can start tending to these very open wounds... so he waits.]

[Teddy had even paused to let Billy butt in if he wanted. And good thing he didn't, otherwise Teddy might have shut himself up right there. He takes in a hitch of a breath, feels a burning in his eyes and turns away again, nails against his arms ones more.]

You said you only called up that fake because you were desperate - I know how the spell worked, Billy! It gave everyone what they wanted, and if that's what you wanted out of me? God, why didn't you just tell me before all that happened?! Y-You even said so yourself, everything was perfect until I came back, or showed up, or - I don't know, existed! That's probably it! Why else would you just - just watch while that fake tried to kill me, I would've - I would've died if Natasha hadn't -

[He shakes his head with frustration and presses the heel of his palm to one of his eyes, trying to control himself.] And what am I supposed to think when you'd barely look at me or talk to me for all those weeks, especially after all that? I never figured out what you wanted, I didn't - I still don't know what to think! It's like - I just - I don't know what the fuck you want from me! I keep looking at myself and wondering, but nothing ever works!

[He stops for a moment, fingers pressed into his skull, feeling his shoulders shake and his breathing hitch. God, he - now he feels like such an ass, but he just - he can't help lashing out weakly, one more time.]

I don't think we even need to talk about why bringing back my mom wasn't okay... or talking about leaving me right after that. God, Billy...

[Billy waits, after Teddy's finished- at first because he wants to be sure that Teddy has time to say everything he wants to say, but then... because he's not sure how he should respond to it all. Teddy swore at him, for the first time- really swore, not just a quiet uttering in the bedroom, but angrily, hurt, lashing out. And Billy stands there and takes it because it's Teddy's right. He's glad that Teddy's finally showing that he's angry.

It's... better this way.

It takes him a while to find his voice, having stumbled back a step as if pushed back by the force of Teddy's words, arms lifted to hug himself, one hand pressed to the shoulder Natasha had shot. Say something. He needs to say something...]

...You're right. You're right... about a lot of things. I did all of that, I made you believe all those things, and... it wasn't okay. It was wrong. I could say it a million times, I could apologize a million more, and it still wouldn't be enough. There's just... one thing. One thing you're wrong about.

[His voice catches, and he stops, swallowing hard and trying again, the tremor audible in his tone but not enough to make him stop.]

You don't know... what the spell was. It wasn't for me. It was never for me. I tried... I tried to be a part of it, but... I couldn't. It wasn't perfect. All that fake did was... remind me what I'd lost. And when you came back, I- I'd held it too long... I was so lost in the magic, I didn't know... I didn't...

[He loses it again, and he has to close his eyes for a moment, inhaling shakily. A little more. A little more. Not done yet.]

I was scared... of losing everything. Even just a lie. I tried so hard to hold it, to keep it alive for everyone... that's what I thought was perfect, that's what I thought you'd... ruin. Whatever was in my head, I... you saw it, when we were in the lab, you saw what they did- it messed me up so much, I didn't know what was real anymore. And if you don't believe that, then... why have you stayed with me, all this time? Why have you been telling me, over and over, that you'd wait for me to come back? If you don't believe that it wasn't me, then why would you bother? If you think that's who I really am... who... who would support someone so awful? Why would you still want to be with me...?

[He looks down, unable to meet Teddy's eyes anymore, arms tightening around himself.]

Isn't... isn't it better? To believe that? Than to believe that all this time - two years - I've been- what? Settling for you?

[Teddy was just about to apologize and leave when Billy spoke up, instead making him grip the sleeves of his shirt and grit his teeth. He feels like such a jerk right now... even if he finally, finally let everything out. And this - this is a better explanation than just saying he was crazy and that was it. Even if it hurts to hear his doubts presented this way, because he knows, he knows it's better to believe, he knows that thinking otherwise is ridiculous and idiotic. But...]

I did believe it. But - three, four weeks is a long time, Billy... It felt like I lost my hold on everything I believed in with every day after that, even though I tried to hold it with both hands, because -

[Because it's about the thing he believes in the most. It's all he has. And isn't that worth fighting for? And he'd fought, he just... lost, slowly.]

I thought - I still think - that it was all me. Maybe - I don't know, I did something along the way. Showed some side of myself that you didn't like... Was it because I fought with you sometimes? I know we disagreed on some things, but I thought we always worked it all out... Maybe my stupid jokes got too stupid? I know you get exasperated... I kept thinking about it, you know how much I think, and I just wasn't... getting any answers. I've spent my whole life changing for people... [There are tears that trickle down his cheeks, not that Billy can see it, with Teddy's back turned to him.] I just thought...

I know... I know. I don't blame you for... thinking that. It's why I'm trying, you know? It's why I want you to know the truth now. And- and if I have to keep on convincing you, if I have to prove it to you, I will. Every day. I'd do it in a heartbeat. You're worth it. You're worth fighting for. Just you- no shifts, no changes, nothing but what's real.

[He wants - needs Teddy to face him, but he won't force it yet. Teddy waited with him. Teddy kept trying. He can do that, too. It's the least he can do.]

Teddy... that thing I made wasn't you. And it wasn't perfect. It was... empty. It followed me around like a dog and I- I thought it was better than not having you at all but... I was wrong. That thing in my head made everything all wrong. And you... after what I did, what I let it do to you, you still... you saved me. It wouldn't have done that.

[His hands tighten again, resisting the urge to reach out to Teddy. He'd pulled away, he'd resisted, he's not done, he has to fix this... and then...

I just want to hold you again, like before... can we still go back...?]

That's how I knew it was you. The real you. Any fake that I created? It would never have done that. Taken a hit for me. Saved my life. You won... you brought me back... by being you. The you that... I love. That I've always loved.

[Teddy wants to stop crying. It's usually so easy, stopping himself. But with his shifting gone, there's nothing he can do about it. No matter how much he tries, nothing is getting easier. All he can do is press his hands to his eyes and feel that lump in his throat get heavier and heavier, despite any attempt otherwise.]

So - If... If I died for real, or... or left, would you... replace me again?

I wouldn’t. Not ever.

[He hates that he has to answer that. He hates that he has to think about Teddy dying- a thought that makes him seize up inside, shaking with terror and that awful, awful memory he’d carry the rest of his life.]

I-if you died… I’d go to hell and back to find you again, if I had to. You, the real you. And… and if you left me…

[He doesn’t… want to think about that, either. But with everything that’s happened… it’s a very real possibility, isn’t it…]

If you left, I’d… understand. [Especially now.] I’d accept it… if it’s what you chose.

[I'd hate it, I'd cry, I'd be ruined for life.

But I'd accept it. Because it's guaranteed that it would be my fault...]

[Teddy stays silent for a long moment after that, hands slowly lowering to hold his upper arms instead. A long moment of thought, of letting everything sink in and letting his anger from earlier fizzle out completely.

Then he lets out a watery chuckle, a small, helpless smile on his face.]

You think I'd go to hell? Wow, Billy...

[Billy hesitates at that - he's not sure if Teddy's joking because he feels bad and doesn't want to argue, or if he's sincere about it. And he truly, desperately is hoping for the latter, but he wonders if it's too soon to hope.

He wants it, though. God, he wants it. And it... can't hurt to believe in Teddy, can it? The way he wants Teddy to believe in him...?

And so, after a moment, he tentatively responds.]

...Well, obviously... you're not Jewish.

[Not. That Judaism even has the same version of hell that contemporary- you know what, nevermind. He's trying, here.]

Ha... I see...

[Teddy takes in a deep, sharp, shaky breath, an automatic action. And he can't help but wonder... Billy still seems like himself, even after such a difficult talk. He even joked a little, like Teddy. And he never talked about leaving Teddy, or dying, or anything like that. Just gave a rational answer and said that he'd stay by him, keep trying, keep waiting until Teddy believed. That isn't an answer Billy would've given just yesterday.

His head turns, though he doesn't quite face Billy yet.]

It's... really you, isn't it?

[Billy inhales sharply at that, the sound faint but audible. He takes a step forward, wanting to close the distance between them, but too afraid to make any real contact until Teddy indicates that it's okay. He could still leave. He could make that choice. Billy had all but opened the door for him, so now all he can do is wait and see what Teddy decides.

But... for him to ask that... it means he's giving it some thought, doesn't it...?]

...Yeah. It's really me. I promise...

[How many times has Billy promised something over the past few weeks, only to break it horribly? I won't use magic, only to bring his mother back and yank her away. I won't leave you, when he talked so seriously about leaving and being put in the tunnels soon after that. It was like Billy didn't understand what those promises meant, and what the breaking of them meant.

But it feels... real, this time. With Teddy really, truly starting to believe that Billy's back, and feeling that hope bloom in his chest again, and this time, he doesn't push it back down. He's terrified of it, he's so afraid of letting it stay there and settle, only to have it shatter again. He isn't sure if he can take that again, and he's been trying so hard to protect himself this whole time...

But maybe it's okay...

It feels different.

So, finally, Teddy turns to face Billy, and just when he thought his tears had stopped, they fall again, this time for a different reason. It's not anger, it's not depression, it's not guilt. It's relief. And maybe some lingering fear. But the most prominent one is also more important, and - God, he wants to touch him, take him in his arms and not let go, but he can't get his legs to move. It's like they're paralyzed by that fear that still remains. Instead, his eyes stay wide, and he doesn't even try to wipe the tears that fall from them away. One hand hovers near his mouth, trembling, just like the rest of him.

Did Billy finally come back...? Is it really him? The person he loves so much, snatched - stolen from him and warped so much that only a shell of him remained... Is he finally back?]

Oh... Oh my god, Billy...

[....Well.

There goes his self-control.

A muffled, pained noise escapes Billy's lips, and he moves, closing the distance between them in two long strides. He lifts his hands to touch Teddy's face, risking a rejection because he can't, he can't just stand there and watch him cry like this. He wipes at Teddy's tears, fingers brushing over his cheeks, then tries to draw him into a gentle but insistent hug, something he's been aching to do since even before the fight. His heart is pounding, and he's crying now, too; he's so afraid of what Teddy might do, but... they both need this, he's certain of it. Otherwise they'll just keep hurting, and as a result, hurt one another.

We can't do this alone anymore. Not him, or me... that's not how we're supposed to be.

This is reality. And it's the only reality I could ever need.]

I know... I know. I'm sorry... I'm right here.

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